Tonight was another instalment of "things foster carers do that other people never have to do". Belle's social worker arrived this afternoon with all of her belongings - several bin bags and a huge plastic tub full of mostly clothes, but also bedding, toys and bath bits. She asked us to go through it and decide what to keep to use for Belle, and the rest would be collected and returned to Belle's mum.
This is not something we've done before - Peter and Andy both came from another foster placement so had an appropriate amount of clothes and toys, and Jack-Jack arrived with absolutely nothing from home.
It was an emotionally tiring and heartbreaking task. Belle's mum had packed up absolutely everything - from the tiny baby first clothes that she's long grown out of, to bits and pieces in the next size with the tags still on. Warm coats and padded trousers for winter. Hand-knitted bootees and cardigans. Pretty dresses that might have been worn to a party or wedding. Tiny little pram shoes. Piles and piles of vests and sleepsuits, dresses, trousers and tops.
Of course, not everyone has the same taste and we needed to sort them out without any judgement or opinion - this wasn't "would I put my own child in this?", but rather "is this seasonally appropriate and in the correct size?"
We've ended up with lots of really lovely little outfits - some for Belle to wear day to day, and some which will be saved for her to wear at contact sessions with her mum.
We arranged the belongings nicely into groups and took some photos which we'll put in Belle's memory box for her to take with her when she moves on.
It's good for mum to see her daughter in clothes she's chosen so she still feels involved, but it will also be good for Belle to know when she grows up that her mum loved her and provided for her even when they weren't able to live together.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Sunday, 5 October 2014
New baby
We have a second placement! An eight month old baby girl - Belle, for the purposes of this blog - moved in five days ago (it's taken this long to get over "baby brain" and get ourselves organised again to post on the blog!) She is absolutely adorable but has some feeding issues and is severely underweight, so we've been trained in NG tubes to supplement her nutrition.
Peter is coping really well with the intrusion of his home and having to share us, (although a couple of days in he did say emphatically "Bye bye baby Belle! Baby Belle go back home!") we've made sure he's had extra nurturing and special time with us so that he doesn't feel jealous. There have been a few sweet moments between them - this morning he let her hold his finger whilst he watched television, and he puts up with her wanting to grab his nose and pull his hair. He keeps a keen eye on what we're doing, although he pretends to ignore Belle most of the time, he's very quick to notice when there are cuddles or feeding going on and pipes up with "Peter's turn!"
We don't know how long Belle will be staying or what the plan for her will be yet, but we're really enjoying our time with her and are looking forward to seeing her grow and progress.
Peter is coping really well with the intrusion of his home and having to share us, (although a couple of days in he did say emphatically "Bye bye baby Belle! Baby Belle go back home!") we've made sure he's had extra nurturing and special time with us so that he doesn't feel jealous. There have been a few sweet moments between them - this morning he let her hold his finger whilst he watched television, and he puts up with her wanting to grab his nose and pull his hair. He keeps a keen eye on what we're doing, although he pretends to ignore Belle most of the time, he's very quick to notice when there are cuddles or feeding going on and pipes up with "Peter's turn!"
We don't know how long Belle will be staying or what the plan for her will be yet, but we're really enjoying our time with her and are looking forward to seeing her grow and progress.
Friday, 26 September 2014
Hidden talents
Our car needed to go in for a service today so Esmerelda picked Peter up from school in a courtesy car. She pointed out to him that it had a picture on the side and that it was smaller than our car, but Peter didn't seem interested in the car at all. They drove to his Occupational Therapy appointment and when they came out an hour later, on the way to the car park Esmeralda said "Do you remember which one is our car today?" "PN14 6GG" said Peter immediately. Esmeralda checked, and he had remembered the exact number plate of the courtesy car!
Peter does like cars but they're not a major interest and we had no idea that he was aware that cars have number plates, nor that they would be a way to identify a specific car.
We're wondering what other hidden talents he's harbouring!
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
Duty calls
We have a vacancy at the moment, and over the last couple of weeks we've received a call from the duty team most days.
The children they're calling us about may still be living at home and their case is going to court soon so a placement is being sought in preparation, they may have been removed as an emergency and a bed is needed for the same night, or they may be in another foster placement which isn't working and they need to be moved. One call we had recently was for an asylum-seeking child who doesn't speak any English. How frightened and confused he must be.
Two children would have been perfect fits for us if we didn't already have Peter, but his autism and multiple therapies make it more complicated, especially if a child has challenging behaviour or a high level of contact. All children in care are high needs in different ways, so meeting everyone's individual needs is even more important than with your own birth children.
Of course we feel for every single child and it's hard to say no, even when the child is clearly the wrong fit for our family. We've said no so many times recently that the irrational guilt has started to build up - Was that a good enough reason? (Yes - anything which avoids a future disruption for the child is a good enough reason.) Could we have just said yes and made it work? (Possibly, but would that be fair to either Peter or the new child?) Are we just making excuses because we're waiting for the 'ideal' child? (No - we couldn't describe the ideal child if we were asked - we're open-minded and consider each referral separately.)
It sometimes feels like the duty team are so called because it's our duty to take every child they call us about - they're certainly persuasive!
The children they're calling us about may still be living at home and their case is going to court soon so a placement is being sought in preparation, they may have been removed as an emergency and a bed is needed for the same night, or they may be in another foster placement which isn't working and they need to be moved. One call we had recently was for an asylum-seeking child who doesn't speak any English. How frightened and confused he must be.
Two children would have been perfect fits for us if we didn't already have Peter, but his autism and multiple therapies make it more complicated, especially if a child has challenging behaviour or a high level of contact. All children in care are high needs in different ways, so meeting everyone's individual needs is even more important than with your own birth children.
Of course we feel for every single child and it's hard to say no, even when the child is clearly the wrong fit for our family. We've said no so many times recently that the irrational guilt has started to build up - Was that a good enough reason? (Yes - anything which avoids a future disruption for the child is a good enough reason.) Could we have just said yes and made it work? (Possibly, but would that be fair to either Peter or the new child?) Are we just making excuses because we're waiting for the 'ideal' child? (No - we couldn't describe the ideal child if we were asked - we're open-minded and consider each referral separately.)
It sometimes feels like the duty team are so called because it's our duty to take every child they call us about - they're certainly persuasive!
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Things I love about autism
*It goes without saying that everyone is an individual and these things are specific to Peter and his autism.*
I read something the other day. It was written by a parent - they said that they hated their child's autism and wished they could rip it out of them. I do understand where they're coming from as our children face so many challenges every single day and it can be really really tough to look after them, but I think it's a mistake to separate the autism from the child in our minds. It's easy to be negative about the thing that we perceive is stopping our child being themselves, when in reality it's a part of them - they can't be themselves without it!
So without further ado, these are the things I love about Peter's autism:
1) He is easy to entertain. Peter is a sensory seeker for every one of his senses, so the only thing we really have to worry about is sensory overload. He loves loud and quiet noises, all tactile experiences, strong and mild tastes, interesting smells (he doesn't experience disgust at "bad" smells the way we do), physical movement like spinning, running and jumping, visual input like lights, colours, pictures, moving objects. If there's nothing to interest him at any given moment he'll make his own entertainment by moving his fingers in front of his eyes to make the light flicker, looking at things from the corner of his eyes, flapping his hands, spinning, or making loud noises.
2) He takes joy from the little things. Peter really appreciates beauty, especially in nature. He will stop and examine flowers and insects on our walks, and will stand and gaze at running water for what seems like hours, he loves clouds, rainbows, stars, walking barefoot on grass, the wind in his hair, splashing in puddles. The joy just bursts out of him as though he can't take it any more - his whole body will tense up, and then he explodes into laughter, shrieking and flapping. You can't help but smile when you're near him!
3) He wears his heart on his sleeve. He is not secretive, he doesn't hide his emotions, he's not an introvert. When he feels something, we know about it - whether that is frustration, upset, anxiety, boredom or pure joy.
4) He is predictable. Yes, we get it wrong sometimes, but generally we can predict how Peter will react in situations and can prepare accordingly. Activities and days out take far more planning and preparation than they would with a neurotypical child, but if we try to see things through his eyes we can envisage trigger points before they occur and react accordingly.
5) He loves routine. We have no problems at all putting Peter to bed, because the "tea time, bath time, bedtime" routine is such a safe and secure part of Peter's day that he looks forward to it.
6) He is determined. He struggles to understand and make sense of the world every minute of every day but doesn't let this stop him enjoying life, progressing and achieving beyond anyone's expectations.
I read something the other day. It was written by a parent - they said that they hated their child's autism and wished they could rip it out of them. I do understand where they're coming from as our children face so many challenges every single day and it can be really really tough to look after them, but I think it's a mistake to separate the autism from the child in our minds. It's easy to be negative about the thing that we perceive is stopping our child being themselves, when in reality it's a part of them - they can't be themselves without it!
So without further ado, these are the things I love about Peter's autism:
1) He is easy to entertain. Peter is a sensory seeker for every one of his senses, so the only thing we really have to worry about is sensory overload. He loves loud and quiet noises, all tactile experiences, strong and mild tastes, interesting smells (he doesn't experience disgust at "bad" smells the way we do), physical movement like spinning, running and jumping, visual input like lights, colours, pictures, moving objects. If there's nothing to interest him at any given moment he'll make his own entertainment by moving his fingers in front of his eyes to make the light flicker, looking at things from the corner of his eyes, flapping his hands, spinning, or making loud noises.
2) He takes joy from the little things. Peter really appreciates beauty, especially in nature. He will stop and examine flowers and insects on our walks, and will stand and gaze at running water for what seems like hours, he loves clouds, rainbows, stars, walking barefoot on grass, the wind in his hair, splashing in puddles. The joy just bursts out of him as though he can't take it any more - his whole body will tense up, and then he explodes into laughter, shrieking and flapping. You can't help but smile when you're near him!
3) He wears his heart on his sleeve. He is not secretive, he doesn't hide his emotions, he's not an introvert. When he feels something, we know about it - whether that is frustration, upset, anxiety, boredom or pure joy.
4) He is predictable. Yes, we get it wrong sometimes, but generally we can predict how Peter will react in situations and can prepare accordingly. Activities and days out take far more planning and preparation than they would with a neurotypical child, but if we try to see things through his eyes we can envisage trigger points before they occur and react accordingly.
5) He loves routine. We have no problems at all putting Peter to bed, because the "tea time, bath time, bedtime" routine is such a safe and secure part of Peter's day that he looks forward to it.
6) He is determined. He struggles to understand and make sense of the world every minute of every day but doesn't let this stop him enjoying life, progressing and achieving beyond anyone's expectations.
Thursday, 14 August 2014
Raising expectations
We're finding it frustrating that people seem to have such low expectations of Peter. It took months of his teachers saying that he was doing well, settling in beautifully, a lovely member of the class etc. before we found out about some atrocious behaviours that they were dealing with on a daily basis and were able to help them put strategies in place to improve things. We've just had a similar situation as Peter has just finished three weeks of a special needs holiday club - on the last day we discovered that he had been behaving appallingly from the first day, and the play leaders had just let it all slide meaning that his behaviour deteriorated as he continued to push the non-existent boundaries. When we challenged them they were shocked that we don't accept such poor behaviour at home so it rarely happens - they genuinely didn't think Peter was capable of making good choices.
Why is this? Is it because he has autism? Because he's developmentally delayed? Because his speech is immature and his eye contact is minimal with people who aren't close family and friends? Is it because he's a looked-after child?
How do they expect children to learn how to behave if expectations are so low from the start?
Why is this? Is it because he has autism? Because he's developmentally delayed? Because his speech is immature and his eye contact is minimal with people who aren't close family and friends? Is it because he's a looked-after child?
How do they expect children to learn how to behave if expectations are so low from the start?
Thursday, 7 August 2014
Sibling contact
Peter's having a fantastic Summer holiday! He relaxed into the swing of things about one week in, and we've had some really lovely days out as a family. We even went camping together near the seaside, and Peter enjoyed the whole tent experience, paddling in the sea and watching the boats.
We had Peter's first sibling contact this week at a local soft play centre. Peter has several siblings - some in other foster placements, and some placed with relatives. The children were removed from their parents getting on for 18 months ago, they haven't seen each other for around a year, and it was fascinating to see them all instantly drop back into the roles they had when they were at home. The oldest child became "the parent", the youngest child became "the baby", and they all treated Peter as though he'd made no progress at all since they last saw him although they clearly adore him and have missed him. Two sets of their grandparents had also travelled to be there, and it was a strange and wonderful experience chatting to all the people present, and realising that they are now all part of our extended family because Peter is part of our family. Sibling contact will be arranged at least four times a year, and it will be lovely to watch the other children grow up and see them progress, just as it will be lovely for them to know Peter as he gets older.
One bizarre consequence of having a large, loving, extended family who don't communicate or see each other regularly seems to be duplicate presents! It's no secret that looked-after children tend to have a lot of "stuff" (although we've tried to stem the tide a bit by saving towards more expensive items that meet a sensory need rather than endless toys), but as an example Peter has received no less than three remote control cars from various members of his family for his birthday! Not that he is complaining at all, although he hasn't got the coordination to work them yet so they've been put away for now.
We've noticed that Peter seems to go through phases of rapid progression and then plateaus for a while to process everything before starting again. He's in a rapid progression phase at the moment, especially with his speech and understanding, which has been fantastic as it's reduced his overall frustration and anxiety. He's putting several concepts together now to ask questions and tell us what he wants in more detail - still no grammar, just lists of words such as "come on come on watering can paddling pool Peter blue slide tummy" to tell me I'm not filling up the watering can with the paddling pool water fast enough, he wants to slide down the blue slide on his tummy whilst I spray him!
He also now understands how a calendar works, and accepts if we tell him something fun is happening "on Friday", rather than having a meltdown because he didn't understand that the fun thing would ever happen if it wasn't happening now. We use a visual calendar with symbols for activities we're doing during the week, and he regularly checks it to remind himself what's going on. It will be a very different child going back to school in September!
We had Peter's first sibling contact this week at a local soft play centre. Peter has several siblings - some in other foster placements, and some placed with relatives. The children were removed from their parents getting on for 18 months ago, they haven't seen each other for around a year, and it was fascinating to see them all instantly drop back into the roles they had when they were at home. The oldest child became "the parent", the youngest child became "the baby", and they all treated Peter as though he'd made no progress at all since they last saw him although they clearly adore him and have missed him. Two sets of their grandparents had also travelled to be there, and it was a strange and wonderful experience chatting to all the people present, and realising that they are now all part of our extended family because Peter is part of our family. Sibling contact will be arranged at least four times a year, and it will be lovely to watch the other children grow up and see them progress, just as it will be lovely for them to know Peter as he gets older.
One bizarre consequence of having a large, loving, extended family who don't communicate or see each other regularly seems to be duplicate presents! It's no secret that looked-after children tend to have a lot of "stuff" (although we've tried to stem the tide a bit by saving towards more expensive items that meet a sensory need rather than endless toys), but as an example Peter has received no less than three remote control cars from various members of his family for his birthday! Not that he is complaining at all, although he hasn't got the coordination to work them yet so they've been put away for now.
We've noticed that Peter seems to go through phases of rapid progression and then plateaus for a while to process everything before starting again. He's in a rapid progression phase at the moment, especially with his speech and understanding, which has been fantastic as it's reduced his overall frustration and anxiety. He's putting several concepts together now to ask questions and tell us what he wants in more detail - still no grammar, just lists of words such as "come on come on watering can paddling pool Peter blue slide tummy" to tell me I'm not filling up the watering can with the paddling pool water fast enough, he wants to slide down the blue slide on his tummy whilst I spray him!
He also now understands how a calendar works, and accepts if we tell him something fun is happening "on Friday", rather than having a meltdown because he didn't understand that the fun thing would ever happen if it wasn't happening now. We use a visual calendar with symbols for activities we're doing during the week, and he regularly checks it to remind himself what's going on. It will be a very different child going back to school in September!
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