Potential

One of the reasons we decided to take Peter as a long-term placement was because we went to visit him and saw how much potential he had. It's unusual to be allowed to visit a child before agreeing to take a placement, but the social workers had painted such a bleak picture of Peter, his behaviour and his additional needs over the phone that we stood our ground and requested to be able to meet him first. We chatted to his previous foster carers before he came home from school, and spent maybe 15 minutes in Peter's company. By the time we left, we had already made our decision.

We found out yesterday that the paediatrician who was assigned to Peter's case at the time had told the foster carers that Peter had no potential. Zero. He would never make any progress, he would be unable to communicate or make meaningful relationships. He would achieve nothing. He would amount to nothing. This was about eight months ago. In fact, the foster carers were told that it was not WORTH them even trying to get through to Peter because he was a lost cause.

How dare s/he?

Thankfully the foster carers ignored the doctor's advice, and worked tirelessly with Peter day and night on his issues with food and sleep, reading to him, talking to him, involving him and loving him. They had no training or support, and felt completely overwhelmed and out of their depth, but Peter did make great progress with them. Fast forward to the present day and we're looking at a completely different child.

This was a medical professional. As far as I'm concerned, this is like telling a pregnant woman that the foetus in her womb has no potential. All children have potential. I wonder how often this happens - imagine the lives wasted if this advice was taken seriously by parents and carers.

Progress and first impressions

I'm sure that this is the same for all children, whether looked-after or not, but we've found that people's first impressions of Peter really depend on what time of day they meet him. We had a friend come to visit this weekend, and as she left she commented on how well-behaved and calm Peter is. She'd been here for the two hours before bedtime, when he was winding down, having a bath and eating tea. As any parent will know, that could have easily gone the other way as overtired children rarely come across well! Esmeralda and I are probably more aware of this than most due to Peter's additional needs, and occasional (used to be much more frequent) epic tantrums accompanied by ear-piercing screeching, head banging and face slapping. He is an affectionate, helpful, clever, engaging sweetheart, but it's easy to miss that fact when confronted by extreme behaviours, and it can be soul-destroying to see some people's negative opinions of Peter formed in just a few short minutes.

We recently got to the point where my iPhone was almost filled to the brim with photos of Peter, so we decided to go online and make him a photo book to preserve the memories for him. As we looked through the photos to choose the ones to go in the book, we were surprised how different he looked when he first arrived. It's so easy to forget! He was pale, thin and small, in his own little world, hardly making eye contact and rarely smiling. Fast forward a few short months and we have a vibrant, happy, healthy child with rosy cheeks, full of energy who's shot up a size in clothing and shoes. I'm sure in another six months we'll look back and be amazed at the changes again - it's so rewarding to see!

Moving and attaching

Peter coped fantastically well with our house move. He came with us to pick up the keys, and we did a couple of car loads and long play sessions in the new house over the weekend so that he could get used to the space with some of our belongings in, and then we did the majority of the move whilst he was at school. He loves the new house, and it felt really special to buy him some new bits and pieces of furniture and set up his new bedroom as "Peter's room" to his tastes and interests rather than just an impersonal and mitch-match "fostering" bedroom as it was in our old house.

We're five months into placement now and he's recently started showing the beginnings of attachment behaviours towards me, almost like he's going through an infant phase of separation anxiety. He doesn't like it if I leave the room, and I need to engage him in something and sneak away if I need the loo otherwise he's screaming outside the door. He's always asking to be picked up and if I sit down at all he's on my lap or tugging on my hand. He's a little treasure and I do enjoy the cuddles, but it's exhausting being constantly needed, and Esmeralda has been finding it a bit difficult at times as Peter's no longer as settled with her. It will pass, we went through exactly the same thing with Jack-Jack who came out the other side much more confident and attached to both of us, but I must say it was much easier having an eight month old glued to me than a 20kg four year old!

Moving house

Just as we'd made the decision to stay in our current rented home for a few more years to save up a decent mortgage deposit, our landlords dropped the bombshell that they wanted to sell the house. Ah. It was certainly a shock, but has actually worked out really well as we've found a house to rent on the other side of town which has a better layout and more space. We were thrilled to find it and it's perfect for us, but it meant that we were faced with raising the topic of moving with a four year old to whom moving home has been something frightening and traumatic. Peter has moved home twice in the past year: once from his parents' home to his previous foster carers, and then again when he moved to us. Permanency in foster care is supposed to offer the child long-term stability, but of course we can't second-guess when landlords might serve notice!

We've got a couple of weeks to go now, so we've started drip-feeding information to try and prepare Peter for the transition so that he feels as safe and secure as possible. Peter's school have offered their support, so we've taken photos of the new house and sent them into school for them to use when discussing the move with him. We're speaking little and often about the things we're looking forward to doing in the new house, and how we'll be doing them together as a family. We'll involve him in packing items up and unpacking them at the other end, and we'll make sure he sees that it's not just his belongings that are moving this time. One thing we're very excited about is that we're going to cut the number of stairgates down from seven to two when we move (just Peter's bedroom and the top of the stairs in case of nighttime wandering) as Peter's becoming far more trustworthy around the house. We're really proud of him and are amazed at how quickly he's progressing!

Hopefully the message will get through, but even if it doesn't straight away, it might be an unsettling time but Peter will see that we're all still together in the new house and will start to understand that Esmeralda and I are his permanent home, whichever house we're living in.

Animals

Over the months that Peter has been with us we've found quite a lot of people get very excited once they realise that we have a dog, and tell us lots of wonderful stories of how they've known/read about/seen on TV that children with autism have their worlds "unlocked" by a special relationship with an animal, usually a dog. They then wait expectantly for us to tell them all about how this is magically happening in our home. We were guilty of this ourselves whilst we were waiting for Peter to move in - imagining teaching Peter about empathy, hygiene, eating and toileting whilst he helped us to care for Lady and anticipate her needs. We thought he'd probably attach to her before he attached to us, and pictured the two of them snuggled up together.

Well suffice to say Peter does not have this magical relationship with Lady and it was definitely not love at first sight (on Peter's side at least) - he really couldn't care less whether we had a dog or not!

This has improved a little over time. To start off with, Peter completely ignored Lady and refused to acknowledge her at all, whilst she desperately tried every trick in the book to make friends with him. After a few weeks he touched her on the side without looking at her, and a month or so later he would throw her ball if she put it directly in his way. These days he'll occasionally stroke her tail or briefly pat her tummy, has said her name a few times and has shown that he realises she's a dog by pointing to her lead and saying "woof woof"! He will occasionally allow her to sniff his neck which makes him smile, but usually he just pushes her out of the way if she gets too close. Thankfully she's very robust and doesn't mind!

We've taken her to school a few times when we go to pick Peter up, and whilst his teachers and the other parents and children love her, Peter just gives her a disdainful glance, although he does seem to enjoy watching her walk alongside his buggy on the way home.

Peter does like animals - he can name most farm and zoo animals and knows the sounds they make, he's fascinated by the squirrels in the park, and he loves watching fish, butterflies and birds. Maybe Peter and Lady's friendship will develop as time goes on and they'll become firm friends, but for now poor old Lady is getting the cold shoulder!

School and the looked after child

Looked after children (or children in care) are much less likely to achieve academically than children who are not looked after. This can be for a multitude of reasons, for example - lack of early stimulation, several school moves, attachment difficulties, missing a lot of school before they came into care - but in most cases is due at least in part to heightened anxiety levels. A five year old has recently been told that the family finders are looking for an adoptive family for him, a 15 year old living in a children's home is worrying about moving out to live independently when she reaches 16, an eight year old who's just come into care is concerned about whether his drug addicted parents can look after themselves without him, an 11 year old still expects a beating from his foster father after school because he thinks that's what all adults do, a seven year old doesn't yet trust that her foster parents are going to give her enough food every day and hides her school lunch in case she's hungry later, a 10 year old has just found out that his younger siblings are going to be adopted without him…

Put very simply - when a child has such high anxiety levels they are unable to concentrate on school work because it isn't important to them.

There are obviously exceptions, and children in stable long term foster placements are statistically likely to do better than those who move around which is great news for Peter as we're now moving towards permanency for him.

We've been working for the last few months on lowering Peter's anxiety levels by building up trust, and his progress is really clear to see. We love his school, and we're very grateful that he was able to get a place to start this term, but we've definitely seen his anxiety levels rise as he's in a new environment (again) and doesn't know what to expect. He's testing the boundaries and we've been told of several behaviours that would be unacceptable at home but his teachers just laughed about!

I'm sure it can be difficult, especially as it's a school without much experience of looked after children, for the teachers to distinguish between behaviours that are related to Peter's additional needs, typical behaviours for a 4 year old, and those related to his early life experiences and more recent upheaval. It certainly is for us! We just need to try to work together to make sure he's supported so that he can achieve to the best of his ability. He's a bright little boy and we're very proud of him!

Another placement

Now that Peter's been with us three months and has made such fantastic progress, we're starting to seriously talk about and consider when might be a good time to add a second foster child to our family - how old that child should be, how Peter will cope initially, which additional needs we think we could handle etc.

I don't think either of us are ready for the emotional upheaval of another pre-adoptive placement, nor do we think that having a child join our family as a short-term placement would be good for Peter, so at the moment we're looking at another, probably younger, child on long-term/permanency. There's no hurry, as we want to make sure that Peter is well settled both at school and at home before we go ahead, but the matching process can be lengthy and is even more important with a child already in placement, so there's no harm in starting our search for the right child early.