Easter holidays

We had a fantastic break. We'd planned in an activity for each day of the first week, and then went on a trip away for five days on the coast. Peter loved the beach and paddling in the waves, and even had his first ice cream in a cone! He threw himself into every opportunity that came his way, and it was amazing to see his independence and confidence grow over the fortnight.

He has so much energy and enthusiasm that it's easy to forget that although physically he's nearly five, mentally and emotionally he's about half that. By the Friday before school was due to start again we realised that it was all getting too much for Peter. We reigned it all back in and spent some quality quiet time at home, reading stories, laughing together, doing jigsaws and singing, without any distractions or stimuli like the TV, iPad or visitors. Peter really responded well to the new relaxed routine and we've had a peaceful and easy start to the Summer term.

With all this in mind, we've decided to calm things down around here for the time being. Fewer planned activities, less screen time, going out at when it's less busy, and a focus on family time at home. We've even cut down on Peter's hours in school as we saw how much better he did in the holidays when he was able to nap every day and the effect that had on both keeping his moods regulated and the quality of his night time sleep. We'll be picking him up after lunch and will evaluate how he's doing at half term to see whether we'll continue.

In the spirit of Easter, it's been a wonderful rejuvenating time, and feels like a fresh start for all of us.

Parents' afternoon

We were invited into Peter's class today to play with the children, see the work they've been doing and have a special tea with them. We've had several meetings with the teachers, but it's the first time we've actually been into the classroom since he started at this school so we were very excited to see all the things he's been doing.

We wondered before we set off how the teacher would refer to parents/carers as a group as we know that Peter's not the only fostered child in the school, and there are other children on special guardianship orders, living with grandparents etc. but as we walked in we heard her say "We have some special visitors today children - your mummies and daddies have come to play!" Whoops!

As it's a special school, the teachers and assistants all use Makaton signing to aid communication for all children, and as Peter is only just starting to sign at home we hadn't appreciated how much they signed at school. Our own signing is limited to a few basic ones picked up from Mr Tumble, so we're got a way to go - it's inspired us to source some training so that we can give Peter some more continuity.

Peter loved having us there and was so excited once he got over the initial confusion as the normal routine had changed, and it was wonderful watching him participate in the singing and dancing with his classmates. We were amazed how involved he was in all the actions and how beautifully he was sitting on his own chair for circle time. He's come so far in a term!

Modelling behaviour

We went to a playground today that we haven't been to before. It's especially designed for children with additional needs, and we've been really looking forward to going for several weeks. Peter had a great time overall, but the behaviour of some of the other playground-users prompted me to write this post. It wasn't the children, but the parents!

During our two hours there, Peter was pushed off a tricycle, spat on, kicked, had his hair pulled, had a toy he was really enjoying snatched from him and was shouted at. All were unprompted attacks, and he didn't retaliate. None of the parents did anything, and they were all right next to their child at the time.

Now, I'm not judging your parenting for your child's behaviour. I appreciate that your child is not being "naughty", I understand that right now they may have a lack of impulse control, they live in the present and don't understand consequences, their underdeveloped communication skills mean that they are unable to listen to reason when they are focussed on something that they want, and they act from emotion without thinking. That's my child too. That is absolutely no excuse for not modelling appropriate responses. If an incident occurs, all it needs is:

Simon pushes Peter off the trike and then spits on him and kicks him.
Simon's mum "Simon that wasn't nice, that hurt the little boy. It's your turn on the trike next." (to us) "Is he ok? I'm sorry that happened."

As it was, we barely got eye contact and "Simon" wasn't spoken to at all except a half-hearted "stop it".

We ended up saying each time, out of earshot so it didn't sound like we were trying to correct someone else's child - "That boy didn't make a good choice - it's not nice to *insert action* and you were very kind not hitting him back." We mostly avoided the other children from then on by playing outside when they were inside and vice versa.

There's just no need for that to happen, I would have been absolutely mortified if it had been Peter attacking someone. If you know there's a risk of your child being violent to another child, surely you need to stay nearby to anticipate any trigger points and act first.

We go to "Special Needs" venues because they're generally quieter and safer, to avoid the risk of Peter being picked on for being different, and to meet and chat with other parents who understand and are going through the same things. We're quite disappointed that they didn't seem to be at this particular place.

Re-traumatising and music therapy

When living and working with traumatised children, it's important to know as much background as possible about each child so that you can avoid re-traumatising. For example, if you know that your foster child was abused in their bedroom you might want to move settling activities such as bedtime stories downstairs, or if you know that your foster child was scapegoated in their family, you will want to be very careful how you phrase things when disciplining them to avoid bringing those feelings to the surface.

We know very little of the day to day detail of why Peter and his siblings are in care, so haven't really had to plan any strategies other than the usual ones around safer caring. We had an issue the other morning that could easily have been avoided - I bopped Peter on the head with a cushion in a playful way to chivy him on, and he looked terrified and reacted as though I was going to beat him. Obviously I felt dreadful, but now we know that reaction is a possibility and can imagine some of the reasons why, we'll be able to be more sensitive.

Peter seems to be very musical. He hasn't yet got the concept of "tune", but he definitely has rhythm and a good memory for lyrics (not the exact words as his language skills aren't there yet, but he gets the general shape of them), and loves to sing loudly and enthusiastically, sounding a bit like a Gregorian chant. He can also pick out a different part to a song, so sometimes I'll be singing a melody and he'll come in with the bass line, getting the length of each note right and without getting distracted by me singing something different, it's quite extraordinary. We're hoping to arrange music therapy for him in the near future to see whether he engages with it, but for now he seems to be happy chanting along to folk songs in the car!

Potential

One of the reasons we decided to take Peter as a long-term placement was because we went to visit him and saw how much potential he had. It's unusual to be allowed to visit a child before agreeing to take a placement, but the social workers had painted such a bleak picture of Peter, his behaviour and his additional needs over the phone that we stood our ground and requested to be able to meet him first. We chatted to his previous foster carers before he came home from school, and spent maybe 15 minutes in Peter's company. By the time we left, we had already made our decision.

We found out yesterday that the paediatrician who was assigned to Peter's case at the time had told the foster carers that Peter had no potential. Zero. He would never make any progress, he would be unable to communicate or make meaningful relationships. He would achieve nothing. He would amount to nothing. This was about eight months ago. In fact, the foster carers were told that it was not WORTH them even trying to get through to Peter because he was a lost cause.

How dare s/he?

Thankfully the foster carers ignored the doctor's advice, and worked tirelessly with Peter day and night on his issues with food and sleep, reading to him, talking to him, involving him and loving him. They had no training or support, and felt completely overwhelmed and out of their depth, but Peter did make great progress with them. Fast forward to the present day and we're looking at a completely different child.

This was a medical professional. As far as I'm concerned, this is like telling a pregnant woman that the foetus in her womb has no potential. All children have potential. I wonder how often this happens - imagine the lives wasted if this advice was taken seriously by parents and carers.

Progress and first impressions

I'm sure that this is the same for all children, whether looked-after or not, but we've found that people's first impressions of Peter really depend on what time of day they meet him. We had a friend come to visit this weekend, and as she left she commented on how well-behaved and calm Peter is. She'd been here for the two hours before bedtime, when he was winding down, having a bath and eating tea. As any parent will know, that could have easily gone the other way as overtired children rarely come across well! Esmeralda and I are probably more aware of this than most due to Peter's additional needs, and occasional (used to be much more frequent) epic tantrums accompanied by ear-piercing screeching, head banging and face slapping. He is an affectionate, helpful, clever, engaging sweetheart, but it's easy to miss that fact when confronted by extreme behaviours, and it can be soul-destroying to see some people's negative opinions of Peter formed in just a few short minutes.

We recently got to the point where my iPhone was almost filled to the brim with photos of Peter, so we decided to go online and make him a photo book to preserve the memories for him. As we looked through the photos to choose the ones to go in the book, we were surprised how different he looked when he first arrived. It's so easy to forget! He was pale, thin and small, in his own little world, hardly making eye contact and rarely smiling. Fast forward a few short months and we have a vibrant, happy, healthy child with rosy cheeks, full of energy who's shot up a size in clothing and shoes. I'm sure in another six months we'll look back and be amazed at the changes again - it's so rewarding to see!

Moving and attaching

Peter coped fantastically well with our house move. He came with us to pick up the keys, and we did a couple of car loads and long play sessions in the new house over the weekend so that he could get used to the space with some of our belongings in, and then we did the majority of the move whilst he was at school. He loves the new house, and it felt really special to buy him some new bits and pieces of furniture and set up his new bedroom as "Peter's room" to his tastes and interests rather than just an impersonal and mitch-match "fostering" bedroom as it was in our old house.

We're five months into placement now and he's recently started showing the beginnings of attachment behaviours towards me, almost like he's going through an infant phase of separation anxiety. He doesn't like it if I leave the room, and I need to engage him in something and sneak away if I need the loo otherwise he's screaming outside the door. He's always asking to be picked up and if I sit down at all he's on my lap or tugging on my hand. He's a little treasure and I do enjoy the cuddles, but it's exhausting being constantly needed, and Esmeralda has been finding it a bit difficult at times as Peter's no longer as settled with her. It will pass, we went through exactly the same thing with Jack-Jack who came out the other side much more confident and attached to both of us, but I must say it was much easier having an eight month old glued to me than a 20kg four year old!