Fostering - the ultimate in blended families

At this festive family-centred time of year we are even more aware of Peter and Belle's families than usual, as well as the families of previous foster children we've cared for.

Peter's parents and siblings are spending their second Christmas without him. We recently took Peter to an informal contact session where we met up with all of his siblings and the various relatives and carers they live with, plus a smattering of other family members and their partners and children, saw Father Christmas and swapped presents. His siblings have started to ask why they can't all live together, and we know that Peter will be in their minds on Christmas Day, as they will be in ours.

Belle's parents are not only spending their daughter's first Christmas without her, but they have recently found out that the decision has been made for Belle to be adopted. We've never met them but regularly send and receive notes when Belle goes to contact sessions, and of course speak about them often with Belle's social worker. As the months go by and we learn more about their own stories, we start feeling like we know them a little. I can't imagine how they must be feeling now.

I've been thinking about Belle's forever family too and wondering who they are and what they're doing. They don't know it yet, and won't do for several months, but they will be spending their last Christmas without Belle in their family! They haven't even seen a photograph of her, but their tree next year will be decorated with adorable little hand and footprint crafts, they'll be hanging up a stocking with Belle's name on and getting excited about watching her open her presents on Christmas morning.

We're not in touch with Jack-Jack or Andy's forever families but we do think about them regularly, chat about how old they are now and wonder what they look like. Whether or not Belle's parents decide to keep in touch, and whoever we have in our family by that point, we'll definitely be thinking about her next Christmas too and wishing her well.

We've come to realise that fostering families just keep getting bigger!

Emotional baggage

Tonight was another instalment of "things foster carers do that other people never have to do". Belle's social worker arrived this afternoon with all of her belongings - several bin bags and a huge plastic tub full of mostly clothes, but also bedding, toys and bath bits. She asked us to go through it and decide what to keep to use for Belle, and the rest would be collected and returned to Belle's mum.

This is not something we've done before - Peter and Andy both came from another foster placement so had an appropriate amount of clothes and toys, and Jack-Jack arrived with absolutely nothing from home.

It was an emotionally tiring and heartbreaking task. Belle's mum had packed up absolutely everything - from the tiny baby first clothes that she's long grown out of, to bits and pieces in the next size with the tags still on. Warm coats and padded trousers for winter. Hand-knitted bootees and cardigans. Pretty dresses that might have been worn to a party or wedding. Tiny little pram shoes. Piles and piles of vests and sleepsuits, dresses, trousers and tops.

Of course, not everyone has the same taste and we needed to sort them out without any judgement or opinion - this wasn't "would I put my own child in this?", but rather "is this seasonally appropriate and in the correct size?"

We've ended up with lots of really lovely little outfits - some for Belle to wear day to day, and some which will be saved for her to wear at contact sessions with her mum.

We arranged the belongings nicely into groups and took some photos which we'll put in Belle's memory box for her to take with her when she moves on.

It's good for mum to see her daughter in clothes she's chosen so she still feels involved, but it will also be good for Belle to know when she grows up that her mum loved her and provided for her even when they weren't able to live together.

Why I love babywearing as a foster carer

Esmeralda and I are big advocates for babywearing. We own a variety of different slings and carriers - Jack-Jack was carried in one almost every day that he was with us, and had at least one of his daily naps in the carrier for the first few months as he found it difficult to settle in his cot. Even as he got older, if we were out over nap time the only chance we had of getting him to sleep was to pop him in a sling - on my front to start with, and then on my back as he grew too tall to see over. He loved it. From very young, as soon as he saw me pick up a carrier he'd squeal with excitement and crawl or walk over to me in expectation. Andy was also carried - firstly out of necessity on dog walks where we couldn't take the buggy, but he too obviously liked it, he'd come over and raise his arms to be carried if he saw me pick up "his" sling, and would occasionally ask to get out of the buggy and into the sling if we were out.

Neither boy was that fussed about standing still but were both happy to be carried for miles - Jack-Jack arrived in January and I spent hours of my life pacing up and down in the hallway at home when it was too cold to go outside and he was napping. I became quite adept at reading whilst walking, holding the book behind his head as he slept. The rocking motion of walking is so soothing to little ones, it never took him very long to drop off but he'd always wake up the moment I stopped walking!

Being in a sling doesn't have the same forced intimacy of a cuddle, hold or cradle, but at the same time it's fantastic to provide comfort and promote trust, attachment and bonding, particularly for a confused and anxious little person who has recently moved primary carer. There's no expectation of eye contact, or any communication at all, but it really does encourage little ones to engage much more than being sat in a buggy facing away from the carer would do. They're up in your eye line, so can see what you're pointing out as you're talking to them, and can communicate as much or as little as they feel comfortable. Even when on my back, Jack-Jack would be chattering, singing and trilling away to me constantly, whilst pointing over my shoulder to get my attention focussed on whatever he was looking at, or to let me know there was an interesting texture he wanted to reach out and touch. When tired, overwhelmed or over-stimulated, he would rest his head against me and shut out the world for a few minutes or fall asleep.

It was invaluable during separation anxiety or illness (it was the only way we could get any housework done at all at those times whilst giving Jack-Jack the security he needed), and for toddlers and preschoolers, particularly those who are fostered or adopted, it can help when they're going through periods of regression and need extra nurturing. Even though Peter's older, due to his additional needs we still intend to offer a carrier as an option for him, although it will be his choice of course.

Modern ergonomic carriers are so comfy and well designed, there are really no downsides to it. As an aside, although the child's weight is spread comfortably, a long walk is still a great workout for the person carrying which has got to be a bonus! I fully expect to have muscles of steel within a few months if I do end up regularly carrying a 4 year old...

Fostering before having your own children

When we initially looked into fostering, we wondered whether not having previously had our own children would count against us in the assessment, but in reality we found the opposite was true. Our social worker Jane and her manager both seemed quite excited by us - here was a couple who could focus all their attention and energy on fostering as they had no other children to distract them. We were convinced of the benefits too, and looked forward to a new life as foster carers whilst planning to add to our family by other means later on.

Now that we're getting on for our first annual review and have said goodbye to two foster placements our outlook is somewhat different, and at the moment we would caution anyone who was considering short-term fostering without also having had their own birth/adopted children, or without any foster children on permanency.

There's very little I can say that can accurately describe how it has felt since Jack-Jack has moved out. Of course we miss him, but it's much much more than that. The house feels empty and too quiet. There's no one shouting at us to wake up in the morning so we keep oversleeping, we've both been absolutely shattered (the intros really take it out of you) and haven't had the energy to cook so we haven't been eating as healthily as usual, plus there's no one to set a good example for! Without a child we both feel a bit like frauds right now and we've been avoiding the friends with children we've made since starting fostering.

Of course there's the practical aspect too - fostering is my full time job so between placements I have not only nothing to do, but no income, which makes it rather more difficult to do the things we haven't been able to do with a baby in the house, like going out for dinner, to the theatre or the cinema.

We didn't have any of this when Andy left. It wasn't easy and we missed him, but our routine didn't change as we still had Jack-Jack and his routine to focus on. It's made us want to look at bringing forward our plans for starting a family so that as we continue to foster and placements come and go, we'll have our own children to hold that bit tighter and appreciate that bit more.

Saying no

Andy's moved back to his carer now, and whilst waiting for a call about our next placement we received a request to do three weeks respite for two siblings. They are much older than Jack-Jack although still within our preferred age range of 0-8 years. Esmeralda took the call and noted down all the relevant details, but when discussing it afterwards we weren't sure what the right decision was, and neither of us had any strong feelings either way. We talked through all the pros and cons, and have decided not to do the respite as we wanted to book some time away ourselves before Jack-Jack moves on. We've found it very hard saying no to placements, especially when we have the room and know it would probably work out ok. Even though rationally you know that you have good reasons and another foster home will be found, emotionally you just want to find a way to take every child! It doesn't help that the duty team sound a bit like estate agents sometimes, like they're trying hard to "sell" the idea of the child/ren to you, when all you want to hear are the facts so that you can make an informed decision. It definitely adds to the guilt...

You can't choose your family

So, we all know the phrase "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family". We were thinking about this over the weekend as we took Andy and Jack-Jack to see the "In the Night Garden" live show. Due to the distance we had to stay overnight the night before, and chose to stay in an apartment rather than a hotel so that we could put the babies down to sleep in the bedroom and still enjoy our evening without disturbing them. After we'd arrived and had some dinner it was past their bedtime so we gave them a bath and settled them down in their travel cots.

The giggling and jumping up and down started the second we pulled the door to as the boys realised that being in the same room together was officially the best and funniest thing ever. Andy got over this pretty quickly but Jack-Jack soon bounced and giggled himself into a hyperactive frenzy, even managing to rock the cot from side to side with loud thumps. Each time I went in to resettle them I saw poor old Andy laying in his cot good as gold, looking more and more exhausted, resigned to the fact that there was a baby-shaped tornado gradually inching his cot closer and closer with each jump. After an hour or so of this Andy fell asleep, but it was another hour before Jack-Jack finally gave in. There was nothing else to do in that situation as we had nowhere we could separate them, and both boys really were too tired (despite appearances!) to get up and try again later.

These boys aren't related by blood, they're not step-siblings or siblings by adoption, they're just living together temporarily in the same foster family. It hardly seems fair when we think about how much they impact on each other.

This is something we think about quite often as we know that we want to carry on fostering once we've started our own family, whether by birth or adoption. We believe that our children will benefit from growing up in a fostering family, and whilst we're sure there'll be highs and lows as different children move in and out of our home, we hope that they'll grow up to be non-judgemental, caring individuals able to connect to and relate to people in all sorts of situations, who will want to grow up to make a positive difference to the world.

We can't choose our family (and our children can't choose their siblings) but we can choose our family values, and we hope that every child of any age who leaves us takes a little bit of these with them in how they've developed, learned and grown whilst they've been with us.

Emotions

Andy moves back to his carer in a couple of days - this month has flown by and it's really been a joy to look after him and see him learn and develop. He's grown both physically and in confidence since he's been here, he's learned new skills, had new experiences and tried new tastes, he's sturdier on his feet and has started to stand his ground with Jack-Jack. We'll be very sad to see him go, even though he's going back to his very experienced and loving carer. Over a 6 week period we will have been told about a child who needs a long respite placement, met him, moved him in and settled him, become attached, found out that our first placement is leaving us soon, and then moved the second placement back to his carer.

I'm working on a photobook for Andy's memory box at the moment, putting together a selection of the photographs we've taken of him over the month with captions about what we were doing, where we went and how much fun we had. A month isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things over the course of someone's life, but I still wouldn't like to think that he had no evidence of who he lived with and what we did.

No one ever said it would be easy, but emotions are running pretty high here at the moment as you can probably imagine. We're doing our best not to talk about what's happening in front of the children, and are mindful of who we do discuss things with. Quite aside from the fact that the children's histories (and futures!) are confidential, we don't want to overload our family and friends or give them an unrealistically negative view of fostering. It is hard work, it's completely different to parenting, and it can feel like it's just not worth all the emotional strain at times, but however well-meaning, we don't want anyone to suggest that we just throw in the towel.

Yesterday a little boy, who a month ago cried when he spilled anything down his front, successfully fed himself with a spoon all by himself and got absolutely plastered in yoghurt in the process. We couldn't have been more proud, and although it sounds cheesy, we're hoping that these are the moments we'll remember long after the children have moved on, not how hard it was for us.

Relief from the heat and the passing of time

This week has made me even more in awe of single parents than I was already. The boys have been sweaty and irritable in the heat and have been getting up to mischief - one memorable morning we had a huge poo leak on the carpet and curtain, a cot drenched in wee, a dramatic glitter and water explosion in the living room and then an A&E visit, all within an hour! Thankfully Esmeralda was at home that day. She works four days in the week, but even when it's been a bit of a day I know that she'll be home eventually to talk things through, and of course I look forward to the three days she's at home with us. We've had a week of big tantrums, slapping, pushing and biting (all the boys!), a broken ornament, insect bites, poor Andy got blisters from his new sandals, heat rash, bumps and grazes, and in the midst of it all Jack-Jack took his first steps! It's been amazing to see him practice and explore this new freedom, they're both getting more confident and steadier on their feet each day.

It was a bit cooler today which was a huge relief. We took the boys out to our local Italian restaurant for lunch and they both behaved impeccably. Our landlords have had a new fence installed in the garden which has created a safe area for the children to play without us having to be on top of them all the time, and they had two long play sessions out there today, having a whale of a time (Andy seemed to think he actually was a whale, as he kept sitting in every bit of water he could find and was on his 3rd clothing change by 10am!)

This month is going by so quickly. Andy's only with us for one more week, it will be strange when he goes back to his carer even though this was a planned respite placement and we've always known how long he was going to be staying. He's such a lovely little boy and has settled well into our family life. It must be different for each child and situation, but although with Jack-Jack it took me quite a while to realise that I loved him, with Andy I knew before he'd even moved in. Fostering's a funny thing, we're already wondering and thinking about who will be moving in next...

Final court hearing

We've had some progress - Andy is becoming a little bit more assertive with Jack-Jack and has started hitting him, throwing things at him and snatching toys from him. Although this doesn't sound positive, it shows he's growing in confidence and at the very least means we're not spending all day telling only one child off!

Now that we're more than six months into placement it's starting to get very hard for us that we don't know the plan for Jack-Jack - we don't have any way of preparing ourselves for each eventuality. His final court hearing is coming up, so we should find out whether or not he'll be going home to mum, and if not then what the court's recommended plan for him is. They normally go along with the local authority's recommendation, but not always. Long term fostering is never the plan for under fives (except in extremely rare cases - I've only heard of one), so the likely outcome for him if he doesn't go home is going to be adoption and there is no shortage of adopters waiting for healthy under-twos. We know this is a possibility, but no one has discussed timescales with us so we have no idea how long the process is likely to take.

Parenting is full of uncertainties - as a birth parent when you bring your newborn home from the hospital you don't know when they're going to learn to walk, whether they're going to be an early reader, what their talents are going to be, which childhood diseases they're going to get and when, whether their hair is going to be curly or straight etc. Adoptive parents face even more uncertainties as they may have very little information about the birth parents' histories, so can't even make educated guesses at their child's likely traits, abilities and any possible issues.

Foster parents face a lot of this too of course, but also live with the biggest uncertainty of all: is this child still going to be living with me next year? At Christmas? Next week? Tomorrow?

Toddler behaviour

As I've been watching Jack-Jack and Andy interacting over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking quite a lot about toddler behaviour. There's no reasoning with them at this age, nor do they understand action and consequence, so there's no point in disciplining or any sort of punishment/reward system yet. Andy just about understands and responds to being told not to touch something, or not to do something (but not the reasons why, although I do point them out), but Jack-Jack just laughs and does it again.

From an adult perspective, there's a definite freedom in being a toddler. They have no concept of acting a certain way because of what others might think, and are even expected to think and act in a very selfish way. Sometimes as adults I'm sure we have days where we feel like screaming until someone brings us our dinner, or sitting down in the street when we've had enough of walking and waiting to be picked up.

It's also very frustrating for them - they have no real independence or autonomy. We decide when it's time for a nappy change, time to go out, where we're going, what they're going to eat (although not how much), what toys to have in the house, when it's bed time, what they can watch on tv etc. and they have very little say in the matter. They're both also pre-verbal although Andy has a few words, so have very limited ways of telling us if there's something they want or need, unless it's within pointing distance. They can express their outrage, and we encourage them to express their feelings by describing the emotion, but in our house we have a policy of "kicking and screaming gets you nowhere", so the louder they scream, the less likely they are to get their own way. This policy has had a lot of use over the past week and a half, as Andy is a screamer and Jack-Jack was starting to copy the behaviour thinking it would get him more attention or his own way. Nope!

Esmeralda and I have enjoyed watching the series of videos on youtube Conversations with my 2 year old, where a man reenacts real interactions he's had with his 2 year old daughter, where the child is played by a grown man. Every now and then I imagine interactions between Andy and Jack-Jack as though they were two adults, and yesterday it made me realise how much I'm expecting of Andy. Jack-Jack thinks Andy's amazing and wants to be precisely wherever he is all the time, playing with whatever he's playing with (or stealing it from him), drinking out of his beaker, eating out of his bowl and generally touching, poking, pinching, patting or laying on him constantly. Of course I keep them apart and engaged in their own activities as much as possible, and intervene if necessary, but I can't be right by their sides every minute. There is no way I would put up with that from another adult. I'm not sure I'd even last 5 minutes before I'd be politely asking them to back off, let alone cope with it all day!

Changes in behaviour and what foster carers wish other people knew

I've read quite a few adoption blogs where the parents have written about their child's habits and behaviours with respect to what was previously told to them by the child's foster carers. I've seen more than a few comments like "they said he eats anything but we can't get him to even look at a vegetable" (or indeed the other way round - "they said he'd only eat fish fingers but with us he even eats chickpea and lentil soup") or "they said he threw 3-hour tantrums but he's been good as gold here," or "they said she would only fall asleep in front of the tv but we pop her up in her cot and don't hear a peep until morning" or "they said she walks everywhere but we can't get her out of the buggy."

We were a bit surprised at first when we found out that Jack-Jack didn't display any of the behaviours that we saw at home when he was at contact (this was before we found out that this is really common.) We've also seen this phenomenon first hand since Andy moved in. We were told various things about Andy including that he was a terrible eater, that he wouldn't walk more than a few metres at a time, that he wouldn't snack (even that he didn't like biscuits,) that he hates nappy changes and doesn't like taking baths. We haven't seen any of this.

There are many different reasons why a child behaves differently for different carers - perhaps they're not sure how a new carer will react so they hold back from tantrumming and showing strong feelings until they feel more secure, perhaps they are now the only child in the family and are feeling under pressure having 100% of their carers' attention, perhaps they're now one of several siblings and have to learn a different strategy to get attention, perhaps the change of environment and routine has "broken the cycle" of certain habits, perhaps they're in a state of shock or grief from the loss of their previous carers - more often than not we don't know the reason and can only speculate.

I read an article recently called What foster parents wish other people knew which was written collaboratively by a group of foster parents. Although it's written in a rather more forceful tone than we might use, and some of it relates to the foster care system as it is in America rather than the UK, it really struck a chord with us. We've often found ourselves wishing that there was more awareness in the community about fostering and what foster carers do. We've definitely come across some well-meaning but old-fashioned or misguided views on both fostering and adoption, and most people aren't clear on what we can and can't talk about, particularly in front of the children. It's worth a read, even to just open the channels of communication and get people talking about foster care - as it says in the article, becoming a foster carer isn't the only way you can help!

Constant vigilance!

Honestly looking after two toddlers makes me feel like Professor Moody from Harry Potter - "Constant vigilance!"

On Tuesday I had a load of washing on, and Andy managed to change the program and then turn the machine off without me noticing. This happened three times in a row mid-wash after I'd reset it and put it on again each time. You'd think I'd learn!

Esmeralda very bravely took both of them to a sing and play session at the local library by herself this morning whilst I went for a dentist appointment. All was going fine until she came to put them back in the buggy at the end. She stood Andy next to her, turned to strap Jack-Jack in, and had a heart-stopping moment when she turned back and Andy had vanished. She found him seconds later in the crime/thriller section, and when she returned Jack-Jack was chewing on someone else's buggy.

I thought I was staying one step ahead of them by moving the stool and child's wooden chair we have by the fireplace in our living room into the middle of the room, as they had started to use them to crawl up onto the sofas (and thus gain access to the higher shelves.) I popped into the kitchen to fetch them a snack, and came back to find Jack-Jack standing up on the chair and Andy poised to push him off!

Even with both of us there, they still manage to speed off in different directions. They're both very mobile, but not old enough yet to be left to their own devices to play so the other day at our local soft play centre it was hard work keeping both of them in our sights - we were like cowboys on the plains trying to herd them up, shouting out directions and instructions to each other from opposite ends of the room: "To your left!" "Behind you!" "Coming down the slide!" (Ok so that last one doesn't quite fit with the metaphor...)

It's good fun (most of the time!) and definitely a great way to keep fit - if not for the relentless chasing and running around after them, then for the workout you get pushing a double buggy uphill!

Child friendly attractions and stain removal

Although Jack-Jack still isn't walking he's extremely active and mobile, crawling at the speed of light in every direction, standing up and walking holding onto furniture/hands and wanting to investigate absolutely everything. Andy is walking, but is still a bit wobbly and can't walk very far yet. We're always on the lookout for new places to go where they can safely let off steam and have lots to investigate, but which doesn't require children to be able to walk (or not to put things in their mouths, which rules out things like petting farms at the moment as Jack-Jack doesn't want to stay in the buggy or carrier!)

We've been to two local museums lately, neither of which are specifically designed for children, but the experiences at each were so different! At the first, an employee rushed over to help us, told us where to leave our buggy and looked really pleased that we'd brought young children with us. Many of the exhibits were low down and the floors were clean, so we were very happy for Jack-Jack to crawl around and discover everything with us - there were doors at the entrance to each room so we knew he couldn't get out. He absolutely loved it. At the second museum, we struggled in with the buggy and had to find somewhere to put it, whilst being frowned at by staff and visitors when the boys made a bit of noise. The whole museum was open plan (including the staircases) so we had to be on our guard at all times, chasing them around trying to keep them both safe and in view - it must have felt to them like we were spoiling their fun and Andy particularly got quite frustrated that he couldn't go wherever he wanted. Many of the exhibits were high up so we had to lift the boys up to see anything - from their level it must have looked quite boring. The whole experience was quite stressful and we didn't stay long. We'll definitely go back to the first museum on a regular basis, but I think we'll think twice before attempting the second with young toddlers again! It was an interesting attraction for adults and older children, but it's amazing how just a few little changes could really widen the target age range considerably.

I've spent the last week trying various methods to get a large unidentified stain out of the front of one of the t-shirts that Jack-Jack's mum bought him. He came back from contact with food down his front as his mum had chosen not to put a bib on him, and I'm now stuck between a rock and a hard place, because if I send him to contact in a stained top it will all be my fault and I've stained it on purpose, but if I send him in a different top it's a personal attack on mum and I'm saying the clothes she's bought him aren't good enough. It's almost funny, I've bought a specialised stain devils product as a last ditch attempt to remove the stain, which cost about the same as a new t-shirt. If we had a local branch of the shop the t-shirt came from, I would probably have gone out and bought an identical one to save any hassle!

Fairness

We have a new challenge in our lives with two little ones to look after - keeping everything fair. We're not sure whether the children actually have a sense of "fairness" yet - probably not - but as adults we do. We want to make sure we mix it up so that one child isn't always last, (except in the double buggy - we've chosen the seating arrangement specifically as one child is much more likely to kick the other in the back), and that neither child feels like they're going without - so everything must be offered to both, even though one child would happily eat all day and the other only has a tiny appetite!

Meals now don't end until everyone has finished, which means the youngest (and fastest eating) member of the family who has been used to deciding when dinner is over tends to spend the remainder of his time smooshing his leftovers into the corners of his highchair tray and sweeping them onto the floor whilst wailing at the injustice and being outraged that he's not allowed to grab his favourite foods off someone else's plate.

The more time they spend together, the better they are getting at sitting near each other and playing without Jack-Jack feeling like he absolutely has to grab Andy's nose. They're not yet of an age where they can play together and share, but we had a lovely moment in the swimming pool today where they were throwing a ball back and forth with lots of encouragement from us. They do seem to be starting to enjoy each other's company and are genuinely pleased to see each other when Andy is dropped off, or when they wake up from naps. I think Jack-Jack has been generally relaxed about the whole thing overall - the only exception being when Esmeralda was feeding both boys yoghurt, and Jack-Jack looked absolutely horrified every time the spoon went anywhere near Andy's mouth instead of his!

Esmeralda takes the helm

I went on a local authority training course for foster carers today, so Esmeralda was left in charge of our "ship". She's never looked after Jack-Jack on her own as I'm the primary carer whilst she works full time, and as if that wasn't enough extra responsibility, Andy was also due for a visit today! We worked out the times and realised that Jack-Jack would have left for contact before Andy arrived, and I would be back from my course before Jack-Jack got home, so Esmeralda wouldn't have to worry about caring for both toddlers at once.

As I walked into the training room I received a text: "Contact on." Excellent.

A couple of hours later and we'd just stopped for a tea break when I recieved another text from Esmeralda. "Change of plan - contact cancelled." I could feel the slight tone of panic emanating out of the phone, but sent an encouraging text back.

As it was, Jack-Jack went down for a nap just before Andy arrived and slept for an hour, and Andy went down for a nap straight away, slept for nearly 2.5 hours and was woken by me ringing the doorbell when I came home so Esmeralda was spared looking after two (awake) toddlers on her own. We played all together until Andy was picked up.

When Jack-Jack was in bed, Esmeralda looked around at the boxes of toys strewn across the living room, then looked at me and said "So... you went out for the day, both babies are still alive and the house is still standing. Are you proud?" I really am!

Getting to know you

We met Andy for the first time yesterday, along with his main carer and social worker, and with Jack-Jack and our social worker Jane here too it made for quite a cosy living room! We talked through Andy's daily routine and the requirements for his contact sessions, and also planned in regular visits for the next couple of weeks so that he can spend more and more time with us - eat meals here, have a nap in his new cot, sleep overnight etc. all working up to the day he moves in with us. It's useful for us too so that we can get to know Andy, how he behaves in different situations, what he likes etc. and can ask his carer any questions before she goes away. For Jack-Jack these visits will be a bit of a steep learning curve as he'll have to share our time and attention for the first time!

When Jack-Jack and Andy met unfortunately neither of them was very impressed at all and they both burst into tears! Andy came again today with his carer and it was a little better, although Jack-Jack is fascinated by Andy's face and just wants to grab his nose, and Andy gets very upset if Jack-Jack gets within arms reach so it required a bit of baby wrangling and distraction, but we had a lovely afternoon.

This is a completely different experience from Jack-Jack's placement with us when we had about 40 minutes notice of his arrival - at least with Andy it won't be such a shock for him (or us!) as we have the time to make the transition as smooth as possible.

Names and a new placement

Over the years there seems to have been a general shift in terminology from "foster mum" to "foster carer". People we know from our parents' generation and older regularly refer to us as "foster mums" or even just "mums", and many made a point of texting or calling on Mothers' Day to congratulate us, thinking we'd be celebrating it as our first.

I think the shift is intentional. We're not allowed to encourage the children we foster to call us "mum" or "dad". I've heard of several cases recently where the foster children called their carers "Grandma and Grandad", or even "Auntie and Uncle", but "Mum and Dad" seem to be sacred terms reserved for a child's forever family (so of course in permanent foster placements the child might choose to use those names.) We're using our first names to refer to ourselves with Jack-Jack, but in reality it has meant that we haven't actually referred to ourselves half as much as we would have done. It just doesn't feel as natural to us to refer to ourselves in the third person using our names, it's not like saying things like "it's ok, mama's here," "come to mama" etc. Most of the time we use I, my, me instead, which I'm sure is not delaying his speech and understanding, but it probably is delaying his use of our names (as opposed to how early he might have said "mama") as he doesn't hear them as much. Our names are also not reinforced by others i.e. a stranger in a shop will say something like "you look so much like your mummy," or "I bet you keep your mummy on her toes!" (we get this last one quite a lot.)

The only person to use the word "mummy" in our house so far has been Jack-Jack's social worker asking him how his contact with his mum had gone that day. Everyone else seems to skirt the issue - our social worker, support worker and the health visitor never mention Jack-Jack's mum to him and don't refer to us at all!

One of our neighbours bumped into Esmeralda in town the other day, and, after not recognising her immediately, she suddenly said "Oh you're Jack-Jack's mum!" We don't usually correct comments like that, and hardly any of our neighbours know that we're fostering. Esmeralda and I had a chat about it and we agreed that it might be a bit awkward when a new child arrives or if/when Jack-Jack leaves us, but we don't think it's the right thing to announce our foster family status to all and sundry, especially if/when an older child arrives who might not want everyone to know.

We have some news - we had a call about a short term placement today, and a little boy will be moving in next week and staying for a few weeks whilst his carer is away on holiday. He's a few months older than Jack-Jack and his blog name will be Andy. We're looking forward to meeting him!