It's the most overwhelming time of the year!

It's been a strange Christmas this year. Esmeralda's mum has been staying with us as usual, but we spent half of Christmas Day with Russell in his hospital room, and the other half travelling to and from the hospital (on lovely quiet roads though, that was a definite plus!) Russell enjoyed the experience and we took some lovely photos of him with his stocking full of presents, sitting in his new jumperoo, and surrounded by shiny wrapping paper! Even though we only took five presents to the hospital for him Peter became overwhelmed after about two so we stopped there. The room is sweltering and small, the lights are very bright, there are so many different smells and nurses coming in and out so we can't even keep the door closed and dim the lights. He also absolutely hates it when young children or babies cry, and unfortunately there are a lot of crying babies in hospitals!

Peter did very well considering but spent much of the time on high anxiety alert staring into space and talking nonsense, zoned out watching Tractor Ted and having mini meltdown after mini meltdown. He has barely slept since Christmas Eve and hasn't really been able to enjoy anything. He really needs life to return to normal so we'll be having some quiet days, taking down the decorations, ignoring the rest of his presents until he is better able to cope, and eagerly awaiting the return of his clubs (he does running, horse riding for the disabled and swimming lessons) in a week or so when term starts again.

We're looking forward to next year when we'll all be together at home and we'll be able to relax and celebrate in a way that meets all our needs. We've had enough of hospitals - Russell included!

Mary, did you know?

We have two Pentatonix Christmas albums in the car at the moment, and a song that has particularly struck me recently (whilst belting it out at the top of my voice on the motorway to and from the hospital to see Russell) is "Mary, did you know?"

It makes me think about the little ones we're privileged to care for, and their futures. I feel for the birth mothers who were the first to hold these newborn bundles of potential but won't be there for the rest of the journey. We don't know what the children's special skills will be, how they will make a difference in the world or anything about the men and women that they'll become, we just try to do the best we can whilst they're with us. I'm sure Mary wasn't a perfect parent all the time, but she raised an amazing man!

Buying for a disabled or developmentally delayed child

With Christmas approaching I thought I would do a post to help friends and family of children who are not developing typically choose a Christmas present. So here's how we like to choose gifts for our special little ones.

1) Forget about the age it says on the box!

This can be hard as it's so ingrained in us that baby toys are for babies, but at six years old Peter loves many toys and books aimed at babies or toddlers. They are designed to stimulate senses and use simple language which is exactly what he needs.

Russell will be one year old by Christmas but isn't rolling yet and doesn't have any sitting balance, so many of the toys aimed at the 12-18 month age group will not be appropriate for him. He also has a visual impairment so we are looking for toys to stimulate his vision and encourage him to start moving.

2) Don't automatically ignore items aimed at older children or adults.

If an item relates to Peter's current interests (space, cars, maps, trains and butterflies), it's a big hit - especially coffee table or encyclopaedia type books.

As Russell hasn't left hospital yet, and in fact has only been outside three times, we're looking for gifts with mirrors or real-world imagery rather than lots of bright colours and cartoon characters.

3) Remember that many children have a "spiky profile" where their skills may be age appropriate in one area but delayed in another, so for example Peter can easily complete a 100 piece puzzle but wouldn't understand the simplest board game aimed at pre-schoolers.

4) Don't worry if you're asked to do something out of your comfort zone or that seems unusual!

Peter doesn't like wrapping paper as it makes him anxious, so we ask for unwrapped gifts for him (or unwrap them ourselves before he sees them). We've also heard of families wrapping gifts in transparent cellophane or sticking a photo of the gift on the outside so there are no surprises.

As Russell has a tracheostomy we need to insist on no glitter, sand, or soft toys with fine fibres that may go into his lungs.

5) Have fun choosing! These are all gifts that Peter and Russell would love to receive this Christmas:

Ravensburger 100 piece Snowman puzzle, Discovery 50mm astronomical telescope, B Symphony, Pintoy Tower Slope, Tidlo Double Sided Easel with Paper, Debenhams Space Rail, Funtime Newton's Cradle Executive Desktop Toy, Paladone Scrabble Light, Science Museum Magnetic Sand Timer, Disney Cars Book

Baby Einstein Playtime Explorer Gift Set, Bright Starts Roll and Glow Monkey, Tomy choo choo loop, Bright Starts Light and Giggle Drum, Baby Einstein Neptune Magical Lights Mirror, Debenhams Party Bulb

This post was written as an entry to the Debenhams "Dear Santa..." competition. Five lucky bloggers will each win £100 vouchers to spend on toys from their range.

Fostering - the ultimate in blended families

At this festive family-centred time of year we are even more aware of Peter and Belle's families than usual, as well as the families of previous foster children we've cared for.

Peter's parents and siblings are spending their second Christmas without him. We recently took Peter to an informal contact session where we met up with all of his siblings and the various relatives and carers they live with, plus a smattering of other family members and their partners and children, saw Father Christmas and swapped presents. His siblings have started to ask why they can't all live together, and we know that Peter will be in their minds on Christmas Day, as they will be in ours.

Belle's parents are not only spending their daughter's first Christmas without her, but they have recently found out that the decision has been made for Belle to be adopted. We've never met them but regularly send and receive notes when Belle goes to contact sessions, and of course speak about them often with Belle's social worker. As the months go by and we learn more about their own stories, we start feeling like we know them a little. I can't imagine how they must be feeling now.

I've been thinking about Belle's forever family too and wondering who they are and what they're doing. They don't know it yet, and won't do for several months, but they will be spending their last Christmas without Belle in their family! They haven't even seen a photograph of her, but their tree next year will be decorated with adorable little hand and footprint crafts, they'll be hanging up a stocking with Belle's name on and getting excited about watching her open her presents on Christmas morning.

We're not in touch with Jack-Jack or Andy's forever families but we do think about them regularly, chat about how old they are now and wonder what they look like. Whether or not Belle's parents decide to keep in touch, and whoever we have in our family by that point, we'll definitely be thinking about her next Christmas too and wishing her well.

We've come to realise that fostering families just keep getting bigger!

Back to school

Peter starts his new school on Tuesday and whilst we're excited about the new opportunities and experiences he'll have, we both feel a bit sad that the holidays are over as we've had such a lovely time together.

Esmeralda took the whole school holiday off work, and 2.5 weeks of having two adults completely focussed on him have been fantastic for Peter. We did a count up recently - since he moved in with us 11 weeks ago he's gone from using about 10 single words to 200 words and phrases, and 50 of these have been during the Christmas holidays! His language and communication are really blossoming, it's amazing to see. He's confidently eating several crunchy foods now, and we're sure that this has helped his speech as his muscles are getting a better workout.

His behaviour is completely different now, you'd barely know he was the same child. He had a period of regression after a contact session recently, and it really served to remind us how far he's come.

Peter has met quite a few friends and members of our extended family over Christmas which has been really good for him to develop his social skills and coping strategies. He's walking for longer periods outside holding hands without needing to use the buggy (today was for almost an hour) and we're working on his awareness of danger and road safety. He even managed a family meal out in a restaurant on Boxing Day! We'd had it booked for months, and even though we pre-booked our food and phoned ahead of time to make the waiting staff aware, we thought he'd last about 10 minutes and we'd then take it in turns to walk around outside with him. He surprised us all by sitting beautifully in a dining chair playing on the iPad after he finished his food, and we stayed for the whole three course meal!

We couldn't be more proud of Peter and his progress, and are looking forward to the Easter holidays already!

Happy Christmas!

So it turns out we were right, and although we only put two presents under the tree for Peter to open this morning, he did get overwhelmed within an hour or two of getting up! He did really well though considering the changes to his routine, and how much sensory input he was getting from the new toys, different words (people saying Happy Christmas etc.) and music, and new smells and tastes that Christmas brings. We decided to have our big Christmas Dinner in the evening after he'd gone to bed, so Peter had familiar meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but he really surprised us by asking to try several new foods today including warmed mince pie and soy cream, pâté, a parmesan and garlic twist, and soy ice cream (you can see the sort of day we were having…)

Peter has many more presents to open, but we're going to spread them out over the next few days to help him to cope. He's a delightful person to give gifts to - he tears the wrapping paper carefully and examines each item inside including any packaging, instructions or booklets. Today he got genuinely excited opening a new blanket! Esmeralda's mum is here visiting for a few days and is completely smitten by him. He's definitely part of the family already!

O Christmas Tree

Christmas can be a very difficult time for foster families. There are so many traditions wrapped up in the festivities, and each one can be a trigger to foster children that reminds them of past Christmases at home with their parents. These could be good memories, as every family has their good times together, or they could be bad memories. What may be a harmless glass of wine with dinner on Christmas Eve could be a reminder of a Christmas Day spent without food or presents whilst their parents slept off the alcohol from the night before. Watching a foster sibling open a much longed for present could be a reminder that at home presents were given as bribes or rewards for abuse. A fleeting comment about burnt turkey or lumpy gravy could be a reminder of an argument that turned into domestic violence.

Even if there are no bad memories, adverts are constantly telling us that Christmas is a time for families, and children may be aware that other children are allowed to spend the holiday season with their parents and they are not. Contact around Christmas can be very painful and confusing for both parents and children, as they exchange gifts and try to have their celebration in the strange environment of the contact centre.

(This is for children with autism, but I suspect that one for fostered children would look quite similar)

This is our first Christmas with a child in placement. We don't know anything about Peter's past Christmases, and due to both this and his additional needs we weren't quite sure how to approach Christmas this year. Should we put up a tree and decorations? Should we do the big pile of presents under the tree? What about Christmas dinner? Would he enjoy visiting Father Christmas? How will he cope with other people opening presents in front of him?

In the end we've decided to go quite low key. We put up the tree yesterday (which Peter loved), but have put it at the back of the living room rather than the front, to avoid moving Peter's toys and so that he can choose to go near it or not. Peter has food anxieties so we're going to have our main meal and open our own presents in the evening on Christmas Day after he's gone to bed, and we're going to gradually spread out his presents over a few days (and leave some unwrapped) and see how it goes rather than having a big overwhelming pile of gifts. Esmeralda's mum is coming to stay over Christmas week and is being very understanding of the fact that it's going to be a bit different this year.

Peter's making so much progress that next year will probably be completely different, and he may well cope with a bigger build up with talk of Father Christmas and presents under the tree. Of course, as foster carers we don't know exactly what our family will look like next year - we may have one or two more children with us (and a labradoodle if Esmeralda has anything to do with it!) so will need to consider their needs too. Whilst we'll incorporate our family traditions, Christmas will more than likely be different every year!

Long term fostering

Peter's social worker has been in court for the past week discussing Peter and his siblings' futures, and has now confirmed that he'll be staying with us as a long term placement. Long term fostering is completely different to short term fostering. There are many positives, not least of which the fact that it gives the child stability and a permanent home, as there would have to be an extreme reason for a child to leave a long term placement.

Contact with his birth family will be greatly reduced to help him settle. As a comparison - Jack-Jack and Andy as short term placements both had contact three times per week, whereas the average child in a long term placement will see their birth parents around 2-4 times per year. This will give us far more freedom, as we can make normal family plans without worrying about working around frequent contact.

We will be able to move Peter to a local school which will open up opportunities for local friendships, play dates and birthday parties for him as he gets older, and will drastically cut down his travel time, giving him the chance to participate in after school activities.

Many support services and therapies such as CAMHS will only accept a referral once a child has either been adopted or is settled in a long term and stable placement, as the levels of heightened anxiety in a child who doesn't know what the future holds make working with them to help them understand their experiences and feelings very difficult.

We as foster carers will be able to make more decisions (this is known as delegated authority) without checking with Peter's social worker, or getting his parents' permission. Things like school trips, sleepovers at friends' houses, trips to see family, holidays and haircuts become easier as we won't need to wait to get a form signed.

We had an unusual reaction yesterday when someone asked us how long Peter was going to stay with us. They said how sad it was, as once he reaches 18 he'll be kicked out and on his own. I reassured them, as we will reassure Peter as he grows - I very much doubt he'll move out at 18 unless he's off to university, he definitely won't be kicked out, and when he does move out he'll always be welcome wherever we are!

It's not adoption - we're not Peter's parents, his social worker is still heavily involved, and we will continue to be paid an allowance from the local authority towards the cost of caring for him (I'm not going to pretend that this covers everything, because it doesn't!) We will work with Peter to encourage a continued and positive relationship with his birth parents, siblings and other relatives. However, this is where he will spend the rest of his childhood and adolescence, this is his home, and our network of family and friends will love and support him alongside us as he grows up.

Still waiting

Still no call.

Christmas was lovely, we had Esmeralda's mother to stay and saw all of my family. We got on with our plans, and kept forgetting that we could have a child placed with us any minute (although of course we're still jumping every time the phone rings!)

I know on the whole scale of things we haven't been waiting that long, but it's been long enough to have spent too long dwelling on every possible outcome - good or bad! We had a chat about it today, and it turns out we've both been having exactly the same worries - we can't do it, what if we've made the wrong decision, what if it all goes wrong... we've also both been wondering whether Jane has actually even told the duty team about us!

I'm sure once we get started it will all be fine, it's just the fear of the unknown!

Christmas

I spoke to our social care worker yesterday, and she's coming round tomorrow to go through some paperwork with us. She said on the phone that it was very unlikely now that we would have a child with us for Christmas

We feel very torn - on the one hand we are really looking forward to welcoming a child into our home and giving them lots of love, positive attention and new experiences, but on the other hand for a child to come to us they will at the very least have suffered a major upheaval. In an ideal world no child should ever have to leave their family and there would be no need for foster carers.

Unfortunately in reality Christmas can be a very stressful time for many families, and if we don't have a placement beforehand then I'm sure it won't be too long afterwards. We've just got to hope and pray that whether they're with us or not, our future foster children are able to make some happy memories this Christmas that they can look back on to remember the good times.