Lifestory work

We recently received Peter's lifestory book from the local authority. These days they aren't so much a "book" as a "chapter", covering the child's story from birth to adoption. The adoptive parents are encouraged to add a chapter of their own to the beginning and end to soften the impact of the difficult information in the middle. This is vaguely how they should go:

- Peter is a kind, loving and clever boy who lives with his Mummy and Mama and their two dogs Lady and Nana. He is seven years old and he enjoys playing tennis, going on adventures in the woods and drawing. His favourite colour is green and he loves to eat spaghetti! Here is a photo of his family out on a bike ride together.

- Peter was born on 01/02/2010 in Newtown Hospital. He weighed 6lb 5oz. Peter's name means "rock". Here is a photo of Peter as a baby.

- Babies need to be looked after properly so that they can learn and grow. They need to be kept safe, they need enough food to eat, nappies, toys, a warm bed to sleep in, and lots of play and cuddles. Babies need grown-ups who love them, keep them safe and give them all the things they need. Love is not just a feeling, it also means giving someone what they need to be safe and happy.

- When Peter was a baby he lived with John and Christine, his sister Lizzy and his brother Harry. John and Christine loved their children, but they were unable to keep them safe, give them enough food to eat and help them learn all the things children need to learn. Sometimes XYZ happened (age appropriate explanation.) John and Christine were given lots of help to stop, but it's very hard to make changes and XYZ kept happening.

- Peter, Lizzy and Harry went to live with Dave and Helen, who are foster carers. Their job is to make sure children are clean and safe, have enough food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in. They love the children, and help them learn and grow. The children couldn't stay there forever, so a wise judge made the decision about where they should live. He chose a very special Mummy and Mama for Peter. Here is a photo on the day they became a family.

- Here are photos from the day Peter first met his Mummy and Mama. (Bit about how we felt and what we did in the first few days and weeks.)

- Here are photos and descriptions of events and milestones since Peter moved in - first time at the seaside, first day at school, first lost tooth, birthdays, Christmasses, Summer holidays etc.

- Mummy, Mama and Peter are going to be a family forever. When Peter grows up, he wants to ride water slides and be a train driver!

Peter's seventh birthday is approaching, and to help him with his understanding of time we went back and looked at some photos of Peter from when he first moved in with us to now, including his fifth and sixth birthdays. Peter actually came into care (to different foster carers) the day before his fourth birthday, and the other day he asked me if he was going to move to a new home when he turns seven. Due to his autism, developmental delay and speech delay we're not sure how much he understands or remembers about his past but this was heart breaking. We reassured him that he'll be staying with us forever and make sure we openly talk about plans we have for the future together ("when you're eight we'll...", "when you're thirteen we can...") to help him cement that in his mind.

Life story memories

After nearly sixteen months in hospital and nine months in our family, Russell is home! We're so pleased that he's finally here, and our family and friends are queuing up to visit and meet him.

As we were packing up his hospital room we came across lots of items that we had no idea where they'd come from. Teddies, toys, blankets and even clothes regularly appeared in his room when we weren't there, we'd ask the nurses who'd left them but they often didn't know.

As foster carers, one of our most important tasks is helping a child to keep track of their life story whilst they're with us and beyond, and a big part of that is tangible memories such as little outfits, presents, photos, artwork etc. with an explanation of their meaning. A teddy near a hospital cot could be a gift from a nurse, it could have been left by a charity who provide little presents for children in hospital, it could have been passed on by a social worker from another relative, it could have been brought by a parent during contact, or it might not even be Russell's! We had kept a particular blanket early on that said "My mummy loves me" in the corner, feeling sure that it was from Russell's mother, and then had found a tiny label that proved it was just one from the hospital store cupboard.

Thankfully, the play specialists on the ward where Russell spent the most time were very good. They took photos of him every week, made little hand and footprint paintings every couple of months, and compiled these together into a folder as a record of his time there, including bravery certificates for his various procedures. As he grows up he'll be able to look back on these and see how tiny he was as a premature newborn, how quickly he grew, how much he smiled even with tubes and machines everywhere, and will hopefully realise that even though he had a long hospital stay, he was very much loved and cared for first by the nurses, and then by us.

It's the most overwhelming time of the year!

It's been a strange Christmas this year. Esmeralda's mum has been staying with us as usual, but we spent half of Christmas Day with Russell in his hospital room, and the other half travelling to and from the hospital (on lovely quiet roads though, that was a definite plus!) Russell enjoyed the experience and we took some lovely photos of him with his stocking full of presents, sitting in his new jumperoo, and surrounded by shiny wrapping paper! Even though we only took five presents to the hospital for him Peter became overwhelmed after about two so we stopped there. The room is sweltering and small, the lights are very bright, there are so many different smells and nurses coming in and out so we can't even keep the door closed and dim the lights. He also absolutely hates it when young children or babies cry, and unfortunately there are a lot of crying babies in hospitals!

Peter did very well considering but spent much of the time on high anxiety alert staring into space and talking nonsense, zoned out watching Tractor Ted and having mini meltdown after mini meltdown. He has barely slept since Christmas Eve and hasn't really been able to enjoy anything. He really needs life to return to normal so we'll be having some quiet days, taking down the decorations, ignoring the rest of his presents until he is better able to cope, and eagerly awaiting the return of his clubs (he does running, horse riding for the disabled and swimming lessons) in a week or so when term starts again.

We're looking forward to next year when we'll all be together at home and we'll be able to relax and celebrate in a way that meets all our needs. We've had enough of hospitals - Russell included!

Mary, did you know?

We have two Pentatonix Christmas albums in the car at the moment, and a song that has particularly struck me recently (whilst belting it out at the top of my voice on the motorway to and from the hospital to see Russell) is "Mary, did you know?"

It makes me think about the little ones we're privileged to care for, and their futures. I feel for the birth mothers who were the first to hold these newborn bundles of potential but won't be there for the rest of the journey. We don't know what the children's special skills will be, how they will make a difference in the world or anything about the men and women that they'll become, we just try to do the best we can whilst they're with us. I'm sure Mary wasn't a perfect parent all the time, but she raised an amazing man!

Another special one year old

Little Russell is nearly one! This is a huge milestone for all babies, but especially for Russell as there were more than a few moments in his first year when no one was sure whether he would make it through. He's stable and doing well now. The doctors would like him to put more weight on but he's not underweight for his corrected age and he's stopped frightening everyone when he gets a cold! He's still in hospital, but we hope to have him home in the New Year and then his life can really begin!

We have presents, bunting, banners, helium and normal balloons, a wooden cake if he's not in the mood to play, a chocolate cake if he is, a big foster brother keen to "help" with the cake, a birthday vest for him wear and a builders tray to contain the mess. All the ingredients for a memorable 1st birthday party! A good friend of ours with awesome camera skills is coming to the hospital to take photos. Russell won't remember any of this of course but he will be able to look at the photos in years to come and know that we celebrated his special day in the best way we could!

A family update

Peter has had a great Summer and has just gone back to school into year 2. He has put up with a lot of change as one of us has been at the hospital with Russell most of the time, and has thrived with all the challenges that have come his way. He's getting stronger and fitter all the time - he now regularly runs 1km at our local running club, his confidence has increased: this Summer he's tried rock climbing for the first time and has climbed right to the top of the biggest climbing frame at any of our local playgrounds. He's taught himself to read, he's constantly experimenting and enquiring, his speech has improved, he loves imaginative play and he's developing a real sense of humour. He has a keen interest in butterflies so we've been providing him with resources, he can now identify 6 or 7 different species and will spend half an hour at a time sitting in the garden watching all the butterflies visit our buddleja. He's such a little character!

Russell has also started thriving since he became part of our family. When we first met him he was seven months old but like a newborn in terms of his development, except for his utter disinterest in whether anyone was with him or not. He's now 9 months old and about 3-4 months developmentally, but his whole demeanour is different - he's interested in us, wants our attention and is starting to demand it which is great. We've completed our training in his care and do everything for him whilst we're at the hospital. We're hoping to be able to take him on outings soon (accompanied by his ventilator and all his equipment!) and work up to day leave, overnight leave, and then hopefully he can be discharged home by November. We have a lot to prepare at home before he comes, and it will completely change our lives (again!), but we're looking forward to it. He's definitely worth it.

We were really pleased to receive an email from Belle's adoptive family recently, telling us how well she's doing, with some photos from their busy Summer. It's so lovely to see how happy they are and hear about their new life as a family of four, it sounds like Belle is keeping them on their toes and is making loads of progress!

We have more change on the way as we've decided to move house to give Russell a downstairs bedroom, Peter more space to play, and our dogs Lady and Nana a bigger garden to run around in! We're in the process of packing boxes, and since we're moving over county lines we're visiting new schools for Peter too. Our local authority accepts foster carers from neighbouring counties so we don't need to change fostering agencies thankfully.

It's a busy time but we're sure everything will settle down by Christmas... perhaps it will then be time for us to go back on the lists for a third placement!

Russell

We were approached a few months ago about a little boy who's been in hospital his whole life with various medical needs, and will probably be there until the end of the year whilst he gets bigger and stronger. Many of these issues are likely to continue once he comes home, so we've gone through all sorts of risk assessments to check that our house is suitable, that we know what we're taking on in terms of daily care and supervision, and that we have room for all of his medical equipment.

We accepted the placement, met Russell for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he feels like part of the family already. It's so important for babies' brain development to build up attachment with primary carers (especially as in Russell's case he has none at the moment), so one of us has been staying at the hospital with him most of the day and night. It's hard work as we miss spending family time with each other, and it's a lot of driving as the hospital is over an hour from our house, but little Russell is worth it and we can't wait to have him home.

Six years old

Peter is nearly six! Here are six things we love about you, Peter.

1) You truly follow your own interests without an awareness of the outside influences of "gender" or "age". Your favourite colour is pink, and you count butterflies and Tinkerbell amongst your favourite things, alongside cars and trains. Many of your toys have an age guide of 12-36 months on the box, but they make you happy and you couldn't care less.

2) How much you love books. "Read together?" you say, and when I agree, you skip off gleefully and return with a handful. "Five stories mama! This one first!" I have no doubt that the hundreds of stories we've read together (including several hundred repetitions of the same ones!) combined with your incredible memory have contributed to your awesome word recognition. You're starting to read before you can speak fluently - that's skill!

3) You still love to sing and can now hold a tune which is so lovely to hear (although maybe not at 5am at the top of your voice...)

4) You have no understanding yet of winning or losing, you can still just enjoy the race.

5) You find the world a confusing and frightening place much of the time, but you're happy to go to new places and try new things as long as we're with you. We're so proud of you!

6) You have no idea how significant every one of your achievements is when we think about the dismal prognosis you were given when you first came into care, and you continue to amaze us daily. We were asked in a meeting recently whether we understood what your limits would be in terms of what you could achieve and what your adult life will look like. For a moment we didn't understand the question as to us you have no limits whatsoever! We hope you will see yourself the same way as you grow up and will never allow another person to tell you what you cannot do because of your disability.

It's a privilege being your mummy and mama, and we couldn't ask for a better foster son. We look forward to the next year with you!

Unexpected news

This morning we took down the photos of Alice from "her" bedroom door and have officially gone back on the duty boards as having a vacancy.

We were first approached to take Alice as a permanency placement in August last year. We agreed in principle, but despite lots of conversations back and forth between our social worker and hers, nothing ever happened. We found out in October that her current carer had decided to keep her permanently. In February 2015 we were approached again as Alice's carer had again decided she could no longer keep her, so they were looking for permanent carers. We spoke to her social worker, the team manager and Alice's OT came out to visit us, and we all agreed that we could provide an excellent home for her. Introductions were planned, and although we heard a rumour that her current carer had changed her mind, we were told the local authority were definitely moving her to us as the constant change of plans meant that the placement was no longer stable. We decorated her room, bought personalised bits and pieces, and purchased equipment we were told she needed but didn't have. We met Alice on the first day of introductions and fell in love with her. Permanent fostering is a step down from adoption but is similar in many ways - it's committing to a child until adulthood and beyond - they're part of your family. We had mentally welcomed Alice into our family, prepared Peter for her arrival and were looking forward to our future together watching them both grow up.

On the Monday of the week she was due to move in, we were told that her current carer had registered a surprise interest in adopting her so although the local authority didn't support their application, legally Alice cannot be moved until the assessment is complete. We don't know why this has happened. The carer had been given so many opportunities to express her interest to adopt, and she chose the first day of introductions after we had met Alice to do so.

The impact of this on our family has been huge as you can imagine, and we've had to grieve both for the little girl we'd been thinking of as our daughter, and for the life we won't have with her. We've lost our enthusiasm for permanent fostering for now as we'd emotionally invested so much into this match and are nervous about it happening again. This experience will change our approach to placements - there will be no assumptions and minimal preparations until the child walks through our door and the paperwork is signed.

The urge to nest

Pregnancy and parenting magazines talk about the urge to nest all the time - giving the house a spring clean, washing, organising and reorganising piles of baby clothes, buying furniture and decorating the nursery (even if they plan to keep the baby in the parents' room for the first year!)

Adopters talk about fighting the urge to nest - knowing that it's logical to wait until after matching panel before mentally moving a child in, buying things for them and decorating their room, but finding it extremely difficult!

It's a good thing - apparently nesting comes with great bursts of energy in what would otherwise be a tiring, frustrating waiting exercise, and it's not irrational in the slightest - it is all about the desire to protect and prepare for the child who's about to arrive, so that there's a safe environment to facilitate bonding between the child and it's primary carers. This bonding and attachment is crucial whether the child is born to you, arrives through adoption or as a foster placement.

As foster carers we definitely get the urge, and these days we just tend to go with it rather than fight it. We are desperate to rearrange Belle's room ready for Alice, and have already bought her a few bits even though we don't know what will be coming with her from her current carer. We also may or may not have purchased some adorable baby vests the other day for a baby who we're having discussions about, and they haven't even gone to court yet. We've kept the receipt so we're not completely crazy…

Forever families

We're in the middle of a very busy few weeks where two stories are playing out simultaneously in our house, as two little girls are meeting and moving in with their forever families.

Belle is meeting her new parents tomorrow for the first time. She has gone to sleep in her cot tonight oblivious, but tomorrow is the start of a new life for her. She'll spend more and more time with her parents as they gradually take over all her day to day care, and then in about a week she'll go to live with them and their lives will never be the same again.

Another little girl, we'll call her Alice, is also oblivious to the changes that are about to happen. We haven't met her yet, but in just a few weeks she'll be living with us. It might be a tough transition as she's been with her current carers for several years, but we're going to be her final move as she'll stay with us until adulthood.

Even though the legalities of permanency for the two children are very different, the process from the child's perspective is very similar - once plans are made the child is prepared in advance as much as their age and level of understanding will allow. We have received a special talking photo album for Belle from her new family to help familiarise her with their faces and voices. They've also sent videos including all family members and pets, and taken her on a virtual house tour - technology is a wonderful thing in preparing a child for permanency! We've done a similar photo album for Alice and are thinking about recording a bedtime story for her carers to play for her.

There are quite a few good products to help out there, here's a selection:

Whoozit photo album

Lamaze hear me see me photo album

Sparkup magical book reader

We'll all miss Belle but her new parents are lovely, and hopefully it will be a good week. It would be awkward if the foster carers and adopters didn't get on at all, since most of the "action" is in the foster carer's home, for the first few days at least! Once Belle has moved on, we will take down the cot, rearrange the furniture, put away the baby toys and start decorating the room ready for Alice.

That's something we've learned in fostering - there's always another child who needs a safe home, so rooms are never empty for long.

Speech update

I thought I'd post a little update on Peter's speech as we recently noticed how much he's progressed. He came to us 18 months ago aged 4, able to count to ten and say circle, square, monkey, water and car. None of it was clear, but you could just about work it out. Apart from that he communicated only in screams, or by leading us by the hand to whatever he wanted.

We recently decided with the lighter nights it was a good time to make his bedtime later as part of a new “grown up” routine now he’s nearly six, and he now gets a couple of hours of play time after tea rather than going straight up for his bath. My wife puts Belle to bed and then goes to work, and we do Peter’s choice of activities with my undivided attention until it’s bathtime. The chosen activities have ranged from reading stories, to rolling back and forth together on the trampoline for half an hour giggling, to building an awesome train track or marble run, but more often than not at the moment he wants me to draw on his magnadoodle. It’s fascinating getting an insight into his mind and the things he thinks about, and his speech is getting better and better as he has to find the words to describe what he wants me to draw. He looks forward to this all day and we spend at least half an hour every evening with me drawing whatever he asks, often things from books or from his own experience with a happy rectangle taking the place of himself. There’s a lot of imagination going on there too.

Examples to test my drawing skills have been:

– Caterpillar on a skateboard. A big fat one. No, now a little one. Five little caterpillars on skateboards. And then chocolate cake. Caterpillar eats it! Ha ha ha!

– Rectangle in the sea. Feet. Eyes and mouth. Armbands on. Swim pants on. Splashy toes. BIG SPLASH! Good swimming, rectangle!

– Thomas and Rosie and James and Percy. Eyes. Happy mouth. Wheels. Tracks. Tracks round the corner this way (gestures). Now left. Tunnel. Clouds. Stars. It's night time, goodnight Thomas. Thomas going to bed in Tidmouth Sheds.

- One hundred beautiful butterflies! (I think we got to about 20 before the magnadoodle screen was full.)

Amazingly, he has had no direct speech therapy as the school therapist has been unable to engage him, although we may find a private one in the future. We put him on fish oils early on to help his concentration and focus, and we believe that weekly music therapy has had a positive effect on his communication. Other than that, it has been mainly about finding what he wanted to talk about, following his lead and providing the vocabulary for him. A lot of his speech has come from echolalia - repeating phrases from books, TV programs or things that he's heard us say. Over time he's been able to adapt these, adding in or replacing words to fit new situations.

We're meeting Belle's adopters tomorrow and she'll be moving to her new family at the beginning of May. We're not sure yet how Peter will take this, I gently broached the subject for the first time tonight and we'll do some visual photo work with him to prepare him, and hopefully reassure him that he's staying with us. He's clearly fond of her and calls her "my Belle", but she's been going through a phase of crying a lot lately so he might just appreciate the peace, who knows! It won't last for long as we have more than one potential placement on the horizon. Watch this space!

Privacy

Fostering is definitely not a career to get into if you're a private person. The assessment process is long and intrusive, asking every detail about your life - including very personal matters such as past partners, health issues, IVF journey or miscarriages, reactions to traumatic events or bereavements, finances including any debts or bankruptcy, and if you're in a couple they will even cover your sex life. These are not matters anyone is used to discussing with someone they don't know well, and it can be very uncomfortable. Any skeletons in the closet will be uncovered and laid open, and although your social worker will be sensitive, it can be awkward at times.

You'd think this would be the end of the intrusion, but it's just the beginning!

With two children in placement and space for a third we barely have a week go by without a professional at our house. Our social worker Jane visits every 2-3 months, the children's social workers visit every 6 weeks, we have visits from health visitors, portage, dieticians, speech therapists, independent reviewing officers and court appointed guardians. Any of these can also bring a student at any time!

Contact is an intrusion on family life whether it occurs in the family home or not. We organise our lives around our children's contact sessions and are scrutinised by the birth parents and the contact supervisors on the clothes we send the children in, the car seat we've provided, the snacks we send for them, the information we choose to write in the contact book, even down to the brand of nappies and wipes.

We had a lady from portage come to see Belle recently. She arrived on a day when Peter was unwell and off school, and Peter and I were building a marble run together. The portage lady came into the living room, looked genuinely surprised, and said "oh it's lovely that you take an interest in the children." Excuse me? What on earth was she expecting?

Above all, there is the constant scrutiny and feeling of being judged by everyone - social workers, parents, health visitor, therapists, school, and even random people who know that the child is looked after. For some reason, when a child is looked after people feel that they have a right to comment on their upbringing as part of some sort of shared social responsibility. You wouldn't believe the questions and comments that are said to us with the children standing right there.

The good news is that local authorities have a policy that fostering shouldn't interfere with family life, as a stable family life is exactly what looked after children need. We are allowed to, and have, requested for meetings and contact sessions to be rearranged to fit in with family plans. We have a LAC review for Belle at our house this week and because it's half term, Peter will be present. We've warned everyone that we don't know how he will cope with having his living room full of strangers, and if it looks like it's having a negative effect on him we will end the meeting early and rearrange.

Having a lack of privacy is one thing for us as adults, but we still need to advocate for the children we care for and make sure that being in a fostering family and having our lives open for surveillance is not negatively affecting them.

You can pick your friends...

...but you can't pick your social worker!*

The longer we foster and the more social workers we meet, the more grateful we become of our wonderful supervising social worker Jane. We were really fortunate that Jane was also the social worker who assessed us, so she has known us since we first did our "Skills to Foster" training and has been alongside us right through our fostering journey. She does everything in her power to make sure we feel listened to and supported. She's patiently sat through many a rant and has always managed to stay sympathetic - quite an achievement! Of course she's limited by the policies and budgets of the local authority, but we understand that and are able to separate her support of us from the "no" she unfortunately has to say quite often.

For a short term placement we don't have much say in the matter - duty phones us, we discuss the child's needs and details, and we make a decision. We don't usually speak to or meet the child's social worker until the child is placed. It's a lottery - we definitely drew the short straw with Jack-Jack's social worker but have been extremely blessed with Belle's. She gets back to us quickly, is on the ball with organising things that Belle needs, and it's clear that she genuinely cares about her.

For long term/permanency placements we're able to be much more discerning as there are (should be!) multiple conversations and meetings with the child's social worker before the child is placed. This is a person that we will potentially have to work with for the next 15 years so it's important that we feel that they're going to do basic things like reply to messages quickly, work with us to provide things that the child needs, and that they really care about the child achieving and progressing. As we are planning to specialise as disability carers this is even more important as the child's needs are greater, their social worker is not a specialist in their condition, and children with additional needs typically stay with their carers until they're 24 rather than 18, so the relationship with the social worker can be even longer!

Some social workers are a bit like salesmen. We met with one recently about a potential permanent placement who has a disability. He stayed for nearly two hours, and by the end of this we didn't know any more about the child than the basic details we had found out over the phone from Jane. The conversation was peppered with "she's a lovely child", "she's beautiful inside and out", and "people are drawn to her". Any detailed questions we asked about her condition and how it affects her day to day were deflected - he clearly didn't know and hadn't taken the time to find out from her current carers. We've decided not to pursue the placement for several reasons, but this was definitely taken into consideration which is sad for the child as it's nothing to do with them and could get in the way of a great match with the right carer.

*Of course as a carer if you don't get on with your social worker you can request a different one, and if a child's social worker isn't doing their job correctly there is a complaints process that the child, parent or carer can follow.

Belle turns one

We had Belle's 1st birthday last week, and although she spent the majority of the day at contact with her family, we had time to help her open her presents and take some lovely birthday photos. She of course had no idea what was going on but very much enjoyed the attention and the cake!

So Belle, on the occasion of your 1st birthday, here are the things we love about you:

- Your determination. You already get cross with yourself when your body doesn't move the way you want it to yet, and you definitely don't want our help. You practise and practise, getting stronger each day, and were very pleased with yourself recently when you started to crawl.

- Your independence. You decided when you wanted your feeding tube out, we listened to you, and you've been in control of your feeding ever since. We're amazed by the way the tiny tube-fed baby with an oral aversion has embraced eating every flavour and texture that comes her way!

- Your voice. Belle, you are LOUD! Nobody really likes being shouted at, but for you we'll make an exception because we're so proud of how far you've come. You were silent when you arrived, but you are now more than able to make your needs and feelings known, with great gusto.

It might sound strange but although we'll miss her, we're really looking forward to Belle's adoption. We know she's not destined to stay a part of our family and we're looking forward to introducing her to her parents and telling them all about her. Belle's social worker is particularly fond of her, and we're confident she'll take extra time finding just the right family for her. Our part to play in her life will soon be coming to an end, but we know with the foundation we've helped to give her, she'll go from strength to strength.

Powerless

I'd just like to highlight how powerless and overlooked we feel as foster carers sometimes.

Although we live with them 24 hours a day and know them best, we don't have any parental responsibility for our foster children, this is shared between their parents and their social worker. We have what's known as delegated authority, so can make day to day decisions like when they have a haircut (although not a change of style), what they have for dinner, taking them to the doctor or deciding whether they can go on a school trip. We cannot sign consent forms for medical procedures, complete a passport application, change the child's name, take them out of the country without written permission, cancel a contact session with parents (even if the child is unwell - we have been appalled at the reluctance of duty social workers to cancel the contact of vomiting or infectious children) or authorise a change of school.

Peter's school is completely wrong for him and is not meeting his needs. We've known this since before the Summer and have put the relevant wheels in motion, yet we do not have the authority to remove him, nor to look at other schools to find a suitable alternative. The more we get to know him and understand the sources of his anxieties, the more we think that home education would be a good option for him, yet foster children are not allowed to be home educated.

Unfortunately as foster carers, our opinions are often not seen as having the same weight as either parents or professionals, we seem to be in limbo land in the middle. In a meeting with Jack-Jack's social worker, the health visitor was referring questions about his development to the social worker rather than us although the meeting was taking place in our living room with both of us present! We have experienced Peter's school phoning his social worker behind our backs to check up on us, and also assuming that as carers we wouldn't care about him and his achievements in the same way as parents. When he received an award for gymnastics, all the other parents of children in his group were phoned to attend the award assembly; we were not.

We understand that social workers have a full workload and although our foster children are a priority to us, they are one of many to their social worker, and if they are safe and the placement is not at risk of breaking down there are other children and other issues that must jump to the top of the list.

Peter won't be continuing at his school long term, but a decision that would have been made the same day by parents has already taken over 4 months since we first raised concerns, and may not be concluded before the end of the academic year. These frustrating elements of fostering certainly aren't explained during the assessment process!

Fostering - the ultimate in blended families

At this festive family-centred time of year we are even more aware of Peter and Belle's families than usual, as well as the families of previous foster children we've cared for.

Peter's parents and siblings are spending their second Christmas without him. We recently took Peter to an informal contact session where we met up with all of his siblings and the various relatives and carers they live with, plus a smattering of other family members and their partners and children, saw Father Christmas and swapped presents. His siblings have started to ask why they can't all live together, and we know that Peter will be in their minds on Christmas Day, as they will be in ours.

Belle's parents are not only spending their daughter's first Christmas without her, but they have recently found out that the decision has been made for Belle to be adopted. We've never met them but regularly send and receive notes when Belle goes to contact sessions, and of course speak about them often with Belle's social worker. As the months go by and we learn more about their own stories, we start feeling like we know them a little. I can't imagine how they must be feeling now.

I've been thinking about Belle's forever family too and wondering who they are and what they're doing. They don't know it yet, and won't do for several months, but they will be spending their last Christmas without Belle in their family! They haven't even seen a photograph of her, but their tree next year will be decorated with adorable little hand and footprint crafts, they'll be hanging up a stocking with Belle's name on and getting excited about watching her open her presents on Christmas morning.

We're not in touch with Jack-Jack or Andy's forever families but we do think about them regularly, chat about how old they are now and wonder what they look like. Whether or not Belle's parents decide to keep in touch, and whoever we have in our family by that point, we'll definitely be thinking about her next Christmas too and wishing her well.

We've come to realise that fostering families just keep getting bigger!

Changing fostering agencies

We're thinking about moving house to be nearer to our extended family for support. As foster carers this can be a complicated business! We foster for our local authority, and their rules state that foster carers can live in our home county or any one of the neighbouring counties. This sounds good in principle, however whenever possible children must be placed within easy distance of their birth parents to make regular contact arrangements viable and to enable them to remain at their current school/nursery. In our local authority the majority of looked after children come from one end of the county and the majority of foster carers live at the other end which is already an issue. Would we get any placements if we moved out of county? It's a risk.

If we decide to change fostering agencies there are further complications - do we simply switch to the local authority of our new county or do we choose an independent fostering agency? There are positives and negatives to both, and there can be huge differences in finances, training and support even between two similar agencies.

Then there's the switching process which requires a new assessment and a new "Form F". Sometimes there is a fast tracking option which means we'd be assessed whilst still fostering for our current agency, and would just select a transfer date once approved. Some agencies don't allow this - they require a 6-8 month period without placements whilst the new assessment is completed, which of course would mean no income for us. Some agencies will negotiate foster carers being allowed to "keep" their current foster children when they transfer, and some won't. We've also considered using our experiences with Peter and Belle so far and becoming specialised carers in a disability fostering agency.

Of course we have Peter to consider too. We wouldn't consider him leaving us now so whatever we do the new agency will have to accept that!

What it's like caring for a pre-adoptive baby

People often get fixated on the "giving them up" part of fostering. They say "how do you do it?", "oh I'd love to foster but I could never give them up", or "you must be a special sort of person to be able to give them up."

We're not special sorts of people and it's definitely not easier for us than it would be for you. This is what it's like:

Imagine that you got a call out of the blue one day saying that a relative you didn't know had passed away, and that her baby girl needed a temporary home. They know you have a spare room and child experience, and wanted to know whether you would take the baby in for a few months whilst they searched for her father. You don't have much time - the baby needs a home today. You say yes and rush around buying nappies and formula and preparing her room. You're excited, it's been a long time since there was a baby in the house. You can't help yourself in the supermarket and buy a couple of adorable little outfits. The baby arrives with her social worker - she's so tiny in her car seat and looks so vulnerable. You sign the paperwork, pick her up and give her a cuddle. She's confused and anxious, and you spend long hours holding and comforting her over the next few weeks whilst you get used to each other and settle into a routine together. One day you realise you love her and you start to imagine her staying forever - you're only human - and picture her first day of school, helping her with her homework, teaching her all the things your mother taught you. You're there for her first milestones - teething, her first steps, her first word, her first birthday. She's part of your family - you're the one she reaches out for, you're the one she smiles for, you're the one she runs to when she's hurt and your children's grandparents dote on her.

You get calls now and then explaining that the search is still going on, and you don't really think about it. Then one day eight months later, her social worker comes to visit. They've found the baby's father. He and his wife were so excited to find out about the baby, they've been through the necessary parenting assessments and are looking forward to taking her home in about a month. She's brought a brightly coloured baby photo album containing photos of Dad, his wife and their home for you to prepare the baby for her move. They've sent a soft toy teddy as a gift for her, and the social worker tells you to put it in the baby's cot for her to get used to her new family's smell ahead of time. She asks for your phone number so that Dad can phone you to find out more information about the baby's routine and personality. You always knew that this was the plan, but you're surprised how shell-shocked you feel now that it's finally happening.

The next evening, Dad calls. He sounds so nervous, but relaxes during the conversation and his tone is gentle and kind. You can hear his wife in the background asking questions, and with your eyes on the sleeping baby you tell him all about his daughter - what makes her laugh, how to settle her at night, what her favourite foods are, the toys she has already and you suggest a couple of things for them to have in their house ready for her arrival. You've never heard someone so excited and you start to relax too - you know that this is the right thing for her and you know that she's going to be loved.

Two weeks later introductions start. The doorbell rings. You pick the baby up and open the door, and for the two people standing on the doorstep time stops for a moment as they meet their child for the first time. She knows their faces from the photo album. "Who's that?" you say, pointing at the man. "Daddy!" she says, and you see his heart melt. By the end of the first visit, she's sitting on his lap, knocking down towers of blocks built by her new mummy who clearly adores her already. They're all laughing, and you take Dad's phone and quickly snap a photo for them. Over the next week you step back, busying yourself in the kitchen so that the new family can spend time alone together, or recommending local parks for them to take the baby to on their own. You see familiarity growing, and one day the baby runs to Dad instead of you when she bumps herself. Your time together is nearly over. Friends and family start to pop round to say goodbye and you explain to so many people that they won't be seeing the baby again - people at church, mums at the baby group you took her to, the man who works in the bakery. You make a memory box for her of photos, cards and notes, and write her a letter to read when she's older about what she was like as a baby and how much she was loved.

When the day comes you're ready. All of her clothes and toys have already been taken to her new house, you pack up the last bag with her pyjamas, special soft toy and toothbrush. The doorbell rings at the agreed time, and as you've previously agreed as it's an emotional day for everyone there isn't much delay. You give the baby a big squeeze and a kiss, hand her over to her Daddy and wave as they drive down the road. You know that she's going to have a wonderful life, but your heart is broken and at several points over the next few days, weeks and months you will hold your family close and weep.

You think that you could never do it again, but a few months down the line the phone rings. "There's a baby…" they say, and you say yes because you know that they need you.

The difference a year makes

It's just over a year since Peter moved in with us which feels like a huge milestone. I remember when we were talking about the referral before we'd even met Peter we said "Give us a year, he'll be a completely different child," and it became a phrase repeated frequently by our friends and family and even other professionals.

Well, it was certainly true, there's just no comparison!

October 2013 aged 4

• Full time nappies with no awareness of wet or dirty
• Very skinny, in age 2-3 clothing with no strength in his limbs or hands
• Wouldn't brush his teeth, couldn't go to the hairdresser or dentist
• Self-harming behaviours (head banging, slapping his face so hard he'd burst his lip)
• Dummy and comfort blanket full time except at school
• 10 single words, numbers to 10 and the alphabet
• Any change, transition or ending an activity would trigger a mega meltdown
• Total refusal to walk outside
• Unsafe near water
• Tried to escape from any building or park we went to
• Communicated in screams or taking our hands to show us what he wanted
• No response to his name
• No crunchy foods - would only eat puree, tinned veg stew or tinned spaghetti
• Couldn't use fork or spoon, ate by scooping with his whole hand
• Drank from a lidded no-spill beaker, and would only drink chocolate milkshake
• No pincer grasp to pick up small items - whole hand grip only
• Took medication to sleep
• Addicted to the iPad
• Very little eye contact and showed no affection
• No self-care skills - couldn't get dressed, wipe his face, put shoes on

October 2014 aged 5

• Dry and clean in the day, nappies at night
• Tall and strong, in age 6-7 clothing
• Brushes his teeth every day, happy at the hairdresser and dentist
• No self-harming behaviours
• No dummy, comfort blanket only for bedtime
• Hundreds of words, talks in short sentences and learned phrases, counts past 100 and can spell some words
• Very rare mild meltdowns now - change and transition are no longer an issue for him
• Walks outside happily holding an adult's hand
• Stays near us or keeps us in sight in parks - no longer tries to escape
• Safe near water, he can be trusted to wait for permission to paddle if it's safe
• Communicates verbally and using a few signs
• Responds to his name, and can read and spell it!
• Varied and healthy diet including a range of textures
• Uses a fork or spoon appropriately
• Drinks water, milk or diluted fruit juice from an open cup
• Pincer grasp is developing
• No longer medicated to sleep
• Enjoys using the iPad when he's allowed to but will happily move on when it's time.
• Excellent eye contact, loves cuddles and kisses
• Gets himself dressed, wipes his own hands and face, puts on his own shoes

It hasn't been easy for any of us at times, but we are beyond proud of Peter for how well he's done getting used to a new home, new boundaries, new school, and now having another little person around and being a big foster-brother. We absolutely adore him and are so glad that he's part of our family. We love nurturing, teaching and encouraging him - we can't wait to see how much he grows and progresses over the next year!