Russell

We were approached a few months ago about a little boy who's been in hospital his whole life with various medical needs, and will probably be there until the end of the year whilst he gets bigger and stronger. Many of these issues are likely to continue once he comes home, so we've gone through all sorts of risk assessments to check that our house is suitable, that we know what we're taking on in terms of daily care and supervision, and that we have room for all of his medical equipment.

We accepted the placement, met Russell for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he feels like part of the family already. It's so important for babies' brain development to build up attachment with primary carers (especially as in Russell's case he has none at the moment), so one of us has been staying at the hospital with him most of the day and night. It's hard work as we miss spending family time with each other, and it's a lot of driving as the hospital is over an hour from our house, but little Russell is worth it and we can't wait to have him home.

The urge to nest

Pregnancy and parenting magazines talk about the urge to nest all the time - giving the house a spring clean, washing, organising and reorganising piles of baby clothes, buying furniture and decorating the nursery (even if they plan to keep the baby in the parents' room for the first year!)

Adopters talk about fighting the urge to nest - knowing that it's logical to wait until after matching panel before mentally moving a child in, buying things for them and decorating their room, but finding it extremely difficult!

It's a good thing - apparently nesting comes with great bursts of energy in what would otherwise be a tiring, frustrating waiting exercise, and it's not irrational in the slightest - it is all about the desire to protect and prepare for the child who's about to arrive, so that there's a safe environment to facilitate bonding between the child and it's primary carers. This bonding and attachment is crucial whether the child is born to you, arrives through adoption or as a foster placement.

As foster carers we definitely get the urge, and these days we just tend to go with it rather than fight it. We are desperate to rearrange Belle's room ready for Alice, and have already bought her a few bits even though we don't know what will be coming with her from her current carer. We also may or may not have purchased some adorable baby vests the other day for a baby who we're having discussions about, and they haven't even gone to court yet. We've kept the receipt so we're not completely crazy…

Birthdays and waiting again

I'm not sure whether it's because we knew we were in this for the long haul when Peter moved in, or whether it's due to his age or additional needs, but even though we're now in our eighth month together it still feels like early days in many ways. In contrast, Jack Jack lived with us for only nine months before he was adopted and it felt like a lifetime. We've been thinking about him quite a lot recently as it so happens that Jack Jack and Peter's birthdays are within a couple of weeks of each other. We're looking forward to celebrating Peter's fifth, but it's reminding us of last year when we were planning Jack Jack's first.

We had a catch up with our social worker Jane recently and have officially been put back on the lists so are waiting for the call for a second placement. We know the right child is out there, and it feels like it's coming at the right time for Peter as his attachment continues to progress and he's settled so well with us. We still haven't decided whether an older or younger child would be better for Peter as there are positives and negatives to both, so it will be much easier to receive a call from the duty team and assess whether we think a child is the right fit for our family based on their specific needs rather than an imaginary set of needs based solely on age. Peter has only really been interested in playing with/near other children for a month or so, so it seems like good timing - I think he'll love having another child around once he gets over the initial shock of having to share our attention. It's quite exciting passing the spare room, glancing in and wondering who will be living there in the next few weeks or months.

Moving and attaching

Peter coped fantastically well with our house move. He came with us to pick up the keys, and we did a couple of car loads and long play sessions in the new house over the weekend so that he could get used to the space with some of our belongings in, and then we did the majority of the move whilst he was at school. He loves the new house, and it felt really special to buy him some new bits and pieces of furniture and set up his new bedroom as "Peter's room" to his tastes and interests rather than just an impersonal and mitch-match "fostering" bedroom as it was in our old house.

We're five months into placement now and he's recently started showing the beginnings of attachment behaviours towards me, almost like he's going through an infant phase of separation anxiety. He doesn't like it if I leave the room, and I need to engage him in something and sneak away if I need the loo otherwise he's screaming outside the door. He's always asking to be picked up and if I sit down at all he's on my lap or tugging on my hand. He's a little treasure and I do enjoy the cuddles, but it's exhausting being constantly needed, and Esmeralda has been finding it a bit difficult at times as Peter's no longer as settled with her. It will pass, we went through exactly the same thing with Jack-Jack who came out the other side much more confident and attached to both of us, but I must say it was much easier having an eight month old glued to me than a 20kg four year old!

School and the looked after child

Looked after children (or children in care) are much less likely to achieve academically than children who are not looked after. This can be for a multitude of reasons, for example - lack of early stimulation, several school moves, attachment difficulties, missing a lot of school before they came into care - but in most cases is due at least in part to heightened anxiety levels. A five year old has recently been told that the family finders are looking for an adoptive family for him, a 15 year old living in a children's home is worrying about moving out to live independently when she reaches 16, an eight year old who's just come into care is concerned about whether his drug addicted parents can look after themselves without him, an 11 year old still expects a beating from his foster father after school because he thinks that's what all adults do, a seven year old doesn't yet trust that her foster parents are going to give her enough food every day and hides her school lunch in case she's hungry later, a 10 year old has just found out that his younger siblings are going to be adopted without him…

Put very simply - when a child has such high anxiety levels they are unable to concentrate on school work because it isn't important to them.

There are obviously exceptions, and children in stable long term foster placements are statistically likely to do better than those who move around which is great news for Peter as we're now moving towards permanency for him.

We've been working for the last few months on lowering Peter's anxiety levels by building up trust, and his progress is really clear to see. We love his school, and we're very grateful that he was able to get a place to start this term, but we've definitely seen his anxiety levels rise as he's in a new environment (again) and doesn't know what to expect. He's testing the boundaries and we've been told of several behaviours that would be unacceptable at home but his teachers just laughed about!

I'm sure it can be difficult, especially as it's a school without much experience of looked after children, for the teachers to distinguish between behaviours that are related to Peter's additional needs, typical behaviours for a 4 year old, and those related to his early life experiences and more recent upheaval. It certainly is for us! We just need to try to work together to make sure he's supported so that he can achieve to the best of his ability. He's a bright little boy and we're very proud of him!

O Christmas Tree

Christmas can be a very difficult time for foster families. There are so many traditions wrapped up in the festivities, and each one can be a trigger to foster children that reminds them of past Christmases at home with their parents. These could be good memories, as every family has their good times together, or they could be bad memories. What may be a harmless glass of wine with dinner on Christmas Eve could be a reminder of a Christmas Day spent without food or presents whilst their parents slept off the alcohol from the night before. Watching a foster sibling open a much longed for present could be a reminder that at home presents were given as bribes or rewards for abuse. A fleeting comment about burnt turkey or lumpy gravy could be a reminder of an argument that turned into domestic violence.

Even if there are no bad memories, adverts are constantly telling us that Christmas is a time for families, and children may be aware that other children are allowed to spend the holiday season with their parents and they are not. Contact around Christmas can be very painful and confusing for both parents and children, as they exchange gifts and try to have their celebration in the strange environment of the contact centre.

(This is for children with autism, but I suspect that one for fostered children would look quite similar)

This is our first Christmas with a child in placement. We don't know anything about Peter's past Christmases, and due to both this and his additional needs we weren't quite sure how to approach Christmas this year. Should we put up a tree and decorations? Should we do the big pile of presents under the tree? What about Christmas dinner? Would he enjoy visiting Father Christmas? How will he cope with other people opening presents in front of him?

In the end we've decided to go quite low key. We put up the tree yesterday (which Peter loved), but have put it at the back of the living room rather than the front, to avoid moving Peter's toys and so that he can choose to go near it or not. Peter has food anxieties so we're going to have our main meal and open our own presents in the evening on Christmas Day after he's gone to bed, and we're going to gradually spread out his presents over a few days (and leave some unwrapped) and see how it goes rather than having a big overwhelming pile of gifts. Esmeralda's mum is coming to stay over Christmas week and is being very understanding of the fact that it's going to be a bit different this year.

Peter's making so much progress that next year will probably be completely different, and he may well cope with a bigger build up with talk of Father Christmas and presents under the tree. Of course, as foster carers we don't know exactly what our family will look like next year - we may have one or two more children with us (and a labradoodle if Esmeralda has anything to do with it!) so will need to consider their needs too. Whilst we'll incorporate our family traditions, Christmas will more than likely be different every year!

Why I love babywearing as a foster carer

Esmeralda and I are big advocates for babywearing. We own a variety of different slings and carriers - Jack-Jack was carried in one almost every day that he was with us, and had at least one of his daily naps in the carrier for the first few months as he found it difficult to settle in his cot. Even as he got older, if we were out over nap time the only chance we had of getting him to sleep was to pop him in a sling - on my front to start with, and then on my back as he grew too tall to see over. He loved it. From very young, as soon as he saw me pick up a carrier he'd squeal with excitement and crawl or walk over to me in expectation. Andy was also carried - firstly out of necessity on dog walks where we couldn't take the buggy, but he too obviously liked it, he'd come over and raise his arms to be carried if he saw me pick up "his" sling, and would occasionally ask to get out of the buggy and into the sling if we were out.

Neither boy was that fussed about standing still but were both happy to be carried for miles - Jack-Jack arrived in January and I spent hours of my life pacing up and down in the hallway at home when it was too cold to go outside and he was napping. I became quite adept at reading whilst walking, holding the book behind his head as he slept. The rocking motion of walking is so soothing to little ones, it never took him very long to drop off but he'd always wake up the moment I stopped walking!

Being in a sling doesn't have the same forced intimacy of a cuddle, hold or cradle, but at the same time it's fantastic to provide comfort and promote trust, attachment and bonding, particularly for a confused and anxious little person who has recently moved primary carer. There's no expectation of eye contact, or any communication at all, but it really does encourage little ones to engage much more than being sat in a buggy facing away from the carer would do. They're up in your eye line, so can see what you're pointing out as you're talking to them, and can communicate as much or as little as they feel comfortable. Even when on my back, Jack-Jack would be chattering, singing and trilling away to me constantly, whilst pointing over my shoulder to get my attention focussed on whatever he was looking at, or to let me know there was an interesting texture he wanted to reach out and touch. When tired, overwhelmed or over-stimulated, he would rest his head against me and shut out the world for a few minutes or fall asleep.

It was invaluable during separation anxiety or illness (it was the only way we could get any housework done at all at those times whilst giving Jack-Jack the security he needed), and for toddlers and preschoolers, particularly those who are fostered or adopted, it can help when they're going through periods of regression and need extra nurturing. Even though Peter's older, due to his additional needs we still intend to offer a carrier as an option for him, although it will be his choice of course.

Modern ergonomic carriers are so comfy and well designed, there are really no downsides to it. As an aside, although the child's weight is spread comfortably, a long walk is still a great workout for the person carrying which has got to be a bonus! I fully expect to have muscles of steel within a few months if I do end up regularly carrying a 4 year old...