Friends of ours who foster are going through the assessment to adopt and have shared some of their experiences so far with us. It's interesting to hear about things from the other side, as of course Jack-Jack was adopted from our care, and Belle's placement order has been granted so family finding for her is underway.
Our friends have said that one of the strangest parts of their assessment was going on the adoption training course and being the only foster carers amongst a sea of fresh-faced adopters. It struck us as odd to have adopters and foster carers on the same course (foster carers are not invited to adoption training to speak and share their experiences, so the only time foster carers would attend is if they were themselves adopting.) As foster carers we know the system. We've cared for the traumatised children they're talking about, we've met birth parents, we've heard countless histories of abuse and neglect, we've gone through adoption introductions ourselves.
Foster carers, as a group, can be somewhat cynical and matter-of-fact when we get together at training or coffee mornings. We have so many shared experiences, we understand what each other are going through, we're quite difficult to shock, and foster carer coffee mornings usually involve a lot of moaning. It's a frustrating job - we work extremely hard for the children we care for and come up against so many barriers as social workers are overworked or services are oversubscribed. Sometimes it's a case of laughing otherwise we'd cry, and we need a safe place to unload and vent.
The adoption training usually comes before the full assessment starts, so the adopters may have little to no understanding of trauma, loss, abuse and adoption at this point.
Our friends said that one of the group exercises was "write down as many examples of physical/emotional/sexual abuse or neglect that you can think of." An upsetting exercise, but the point of the session was to make the adopters think about what their future child may have gone through before they were taken into care. In their small group, the adopters wrote down a few examples such as not keeping the children clean, not giving them enough food, hitting them etc. and then the foster carers joined in and rattled off twenty or so examples from the various histories of children they'd cared for, ranging from relatively minor to extreme. They suddenly noticed the adopters faces going ashen and toned it down, stepping back from the conversation.
It must be extremely hard as a social worker or experienced adopter delivering adoption training. You don't want to scare off the group of keen and eager adopters in front of you but it would be doing the children a disservice not to tell the truth and pretend that life was going to be rosy. Adoption is not for everyone and it is so different to parenting a child born to you - the child's past is always going to be their past and adopters need to feel comfortable sharing it with the child at an age appropriate level throughout their childhood. Most adopters these days are expected to write letters to their child's birth parents, grandparents or siblings once a year and there may be face to face contact with the child's foster carers if they were with them a long time, or with siblings who have also been placed for adoption. Relatives and friends may not understand and may even unknowingly undermine the child's placement with their forever family at first, and it can feel extremely isolating needing to parent a child in a different way to meet their needs.
I do think it would be a good idea to involve foster carers in the delivery of adoption training to give another view point, but perhaps separate training sessions should be held for foster carers who are adopting - taking out all the information we are already well informed on and focussing on the future - letterbox contact, talking to your child about adoption, the differences between caring for a foster child and an adopted child, and continuing to foster after adoption. Time for a letter to BAAF perhaps!
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Privacy
Fostering is definitely not a career to get into if you're a private person. The assessment process is long and intrusive, asking every detail about your life - including very personal matters such as past partners, health issues, IVF journey or miscarriages, reactions to traumatic events or bereavements, finances including any debts or bankruptcy, and if you're in a couple they will even cover your sex life. These are not matters anyone is used to discussing with someone they don't know well, and it can be very uncomfortable. Any skeletons in the closet will be uncovered and laid open, and although your social worker will be sensitive, it can be awkward at times.
You'd think this would be the end of the intrusion, but it's just the beginning!
With two children in placement and space for a third we barely have a week go by without a professional at our house. Our social worker Jane visits every 2-3 months, the children's social workers visit every 6 weeks, we have visits from health visitors, portage, dieticians, speech therapists, independent reviewing officers and court appointed guardians. Any of these can also bring a student at any time!
Contact is an intrusion on family life whether it occurs in the family home or not. We organise our lives around our children's contact sessions and are scrutinised by the birth parents and the contact supervisors on the clothes we send the children in, the car seat we've provided, the snacks we send for them, the information we choose to write in the contact book, even down to the brand of nappies and wipes.
We had a lady from portage come to see Belle recently. She arrived on a day when Peter was unwell and off school, and Peter and I were building a marble run together. The portage lady came into the living room, looked genuinely surprised, and said "oh it's lovely that you take an interest in the children." Excuse me? What on earth was she expecting?
Above all, there is the constant scrutiny and feeling of being judged by everyone - social workers, parents, health visitor, therapists, school, and even random people who know that the child is looked after. For some reason, when a child is looked after people feel that they have a right to comment on their upbringing as part of some sort of shared social responsibility. You wouldn't believe the questions and comments that are said to us with the children standing right there.
The good news is that local authorities have a policy that fostering shouldn't interfere with family life, as a stable family life is exactly what looked after children need. We are allowed to, and have, requested for meetings and contact sessions to be rearranged to fit in with family plans. We have a LAC review for Belle at our house this week and because it's half term, Peter will be present. We've warned everyone that we don't know how he will cope with having his living room full of strangers, and if it looks like it's having a negative effect on him we will end the meeting early and rearrange.
Having a lack of privacy is one thing for us as adults, but we still need to advocate for the children we care for and make sure that being in a fostering family and having our lives open for surveillance is not negatively affecting them.
You'd think this would be the end of the intrusion, but it's just the beginning!
With two children in placement and space for a third we barely have a week go by without a professional at our house. Our social worker Jane visits every 2-3 months, the children's social workers visit every 6 weeks, we have visits from health visitors, portage, dieticians, speech therapists, independent reviewing officers and court appointed guardians. Any of these can also bring a student at any time!
Contact is an intrusion on family life whether it occurs in the family home or not. We organise our lives around our children's contact sessions and are scrutinised by the birth parents and the contact supervisors on the clothes we send the children in, the car seat we've provided, the snacks we send for them, the information we choose to write in the contact book, even down to the brand of nappies and wipes.
We had a lady from portage come to see Belle recently. She arrived on a day when Peter was unwell and off school, and Peter and I were building a marble run together. The portage lady came into the living room, looked genuinely surprised, and said "oh it's lovely that you take an interest in the children." Excuse me? What on earth was she expecting?
Above all, there is the constant scrutiny and feeling of being judged by everyone - social workers, parents, health visitor, therapists, school, and even random people who know that the child is looked after. For some reason, when a child is looked after people feel that they have a right to comment on their upbringing as part of some sort of shared social responsibility. You wouldn't believe the questions and comments that are said to us with the children standing right there.
The good news is that local authorities have a policy that fostering shouldn't interfere with family life, as a stable family life is exactly what looked after children need. We are allowed to, and have, requested for meetings and contact sessions to be rearranged to fit in with family plans. We have a LAC review for Belle at our house this week and because it's half term, Peter will be present. We've warned everyone that we don't know how he will cope with having his living room full of strangers, and if it looks like it's having a negative effect on him we will end the meeting early and rearrange.
Having a lack of privacy is one thing for us as adults, but we still need to advocate for the children we care for and make sure that being in a fostering family and having our lives open for surveillance is not negatively affecting them.
Saturday, 14 February 2015
You can pick your friends...
...but you can't pick your social worker!*
The longer we foster and the more social workers we meet, the more grateful we become of our wonderful supervising social worker Jane. We were really fortunate that Jane was also the social worker who assessed us, so she has known us since we first did our "Skills to Foster" training and has been alongside us right through our fostering journey. She does everything in her power to make sure we feel listened to and supported. She's patiently sat through many a rant and has always managed to stay sympathetic - quite an achievement! Of course she's limited by the policies and budgets of the local authority, but we understand that and are able to separate her support of us from the "no" she unfortunately has to say quite often.
For a short term placement we don't have much say in the matter - duty phones us, we discuss the child's needs and details, and we make a decision. We don't usually speak to or meet the child's social worker until the child is placed. It's a lottery - we definitely drew the short straw with Jack-Jack's social worker but have been extremely blessed with Belle's. She gets back to us quickly, is on the ball with organising things that Belle needs, and it's clear that she genuinely cares about her.
For long term/permanency placements we're able to be much more discerning as there are (should be!) multiple conversations and meetings with the child's social worker before the child is placed. This is a person that we will potentially have to work with for the next 15 years so it's important that we feel that they're going to do basic things like reply to messages quickly, work with us to provide things that the child needs, and that they really care about the child achieving and progressing. As we are planning to specialise as disability carers this is even more important as the child's needs are greater, their social worker is not a specialist in their condition, and children with additional needs typically stay with their carers until they're 24 rather than 18, so the relationship with the social worker can be even longer!
Some social workers are a bit like salesmen. We met with one recently about a potential permanent placement who has a disability. He stayed for nearly two hours, and by the end of this we didn't know any more about the child than the basic details we had found out over the phone from Jane. The conversation was peppered with "she's a lovely child", "she's beautiful inside and out", and "people are drawn to her". Any detailed questions we asked about her condition and how it affects her day to day were deflected - he clearly didn't know and hadn't taken the time to find out from her current carers. We've decided not to pursue the placement for several reasons, but this was definitely taken into consideration which is sad for the child as it's nothing to do with them and could get in the way of a great match with the right carer.
*Of course as a carer if you don't get on with your social worker you can request a different one, and if a child's social worker isn't doing their job correctly there is a complaints process that the child, parent or carer can follow.
The longer we foster and the more social workers we meet, the more grateful we become of our wonderful supervising social worker Jane. We were really fortunate that Jane was also the social worker who assessed us, so she has known us since we first did our "Skills to Foster" training and has been alongside us right through our fostering journey. She does everything in her power to make sure we feel listened to and supported. She's patiently sat through many a rant and has always managed to stay sympathetic - quite an achievement! Of course she's limited by the policies and budgets of the local authority, but we understand that and are able to separate her support of us from the "no" she unfortunately has to say quite often.
For a short term placement we don't have much say in the matter - duty phones us, we discuss the child's needs and details, and we make a decision. We don't usually speak to or meet the child's social worker until the child is placed. It's a lottery - we definitely drew the short straw with Jack-Jack's social worker but have been extremely blessed with Belle's. She gets back to us quickly, is on the ball with organising things that Belle needs, and it's clear that she genuinely cares about her.
For long term/permanency placements we're able to be much more discerning as there are (should be!) multiple conversations and meetings with the child's social worker before the child is placed. This is a person that we will potentially have to work with for the next 15 years so it's important that we feel that they're going to do basic things like reply to messages quickly, work with us to provide things that the child needs, and that they really care about the child achieving and progressing. As we are planning to specialise as disability carers this is even more important as the child's needs are greater, their social worker is not a specialist in their condition, and children with additional needs typically stay with their carers until they're 24 rather than 18, so the relationship with the social worker can be even longer!
Some social workers are a bit like salesmen. We met with one recently about a potential permanent placement who has a disability. He stayed for nearly two hours, and by the end of this we didn't know any more about the child than the basic details we had found out over the phone from Jane. The conversation was peppered with "she's a lovely child", "she's beautiful inside and out", and "people are drawn to her". Any detailed questions we asked about her condition and how it affects her day to day were deflected - he clearly didn't know and hadn't taken the time to find out from her current carers. We've decided not to pursue the placement for several reasons, but this was definitely taken into consideration which is sad for the child as it's nothing to do with them and could get in the way of a great match with the right carer.
*Of course as a carer if you don't get on with your social worker you can request a different one, and if a child's social worker isn't doing their job correctly there is a complaints process that the child, parent or carer can follow.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Belle turns one
We had Belle's 1st birthday last week, and although she spent the majority of the day at contact with her family, we had time to help her open her presents and take some lovely birthday photos. She of course had no idea what was going on but very much enjoyed the attention and the cake!
So Belle, on the occasion of your 1st birthday, here are the things we love about you:
- Your determination. You already get cross with yourself when your body doesn't move the way you want it to yet, and you definitely don't want our help. You practise and practise, getting stronger each day, and were very pleased with yourself recently when you started to crawl.
- Your independence. You decided when you wanted your feeding tube out, we listened to you, and you've been in control of your feeding ever since. We're amazed by the way the tiny tube-fed baby with an oral aversion has embraced eating every flavour and texture that comes her way!
- Your voice. Belle, you are LOUD! Nobody really likes being shouted at, but for you we'll make an exception because we're so proud of how far you've come. You were silent when you arrived, but you are now more than able to make your needs and feelings known, with great gusto.
It might sound strange but although we'll miss her, we're really looking forward to Belle's adoption. We know she's not destined to stay a part of our family and we're looking forward to introducing her to her parents and telling them all about her. Belle's social worker is particularly fond of her, and we're confident she'll take extra time finding just the right family for her. Our part to play in her life will soon be coming to an end, but we know with the foundation we've helped to give her, she'll go from strength to strength.
So Belle, on the occasion of your 1st birthday, here are the things we love about you:
- Your determination. You already get cross with yourself when your body doesn't move the way you want it to yet, and you definitely don't want our help. You practise and practise, getting stronger each day, and were very pleased with yourself recently when you started to crawl.
- Your independence. You decided when you wanted your feeding tube out, we listened to you, and you've been in control of your feeding ever since. We're amazed by the way the tiny tube-fed baby with an oral aversion has embraced eating every flavour and texture that comes her way!
- Your voice. Belle, you are LOUD! Nobody really likes being shouted at, but for you we'll make an exception because we're so proud of how far you've come. You were silent when you arrived, but you are now more than able to make your needs and feelings known, with great gusto.
It might sound strange but although we'll miss her, we're really looking forward to Belle's adoption. We know she's not destined to stay a part of our family and we're looking forward to introducing her to her parents and telling them all about her. Belle's social worker is particularly fond of her, and we're confident she'll take extra time finding just the right family for her. Our part to play in her life will soon be coming to an end, but we know with the foundation we've helped to give her, she'll go from strength to strength.
Saturday, 17 January 2015
Peter's new friend Nana
Esmeralda and I are booked onto a course run by Dogs for the Disabled this year, where we can learn how to train a family pet to become an autism assistance dog for Peter. The dog we already had, Lady, unfortunately is completely unsuitable - we love her very much but she's too easily excited to be the calm presence we need from an assistance dog. We've been looking in various rescues and shelters for the right dog on and off for about a year, and a couple of weeks ago we found her. She's a one year old labrador husky cross, amazing with children, very bright, still very much a big puppy but surprisingly unflappable (which is important because in our house there's certainly a lot of happy flapping!)
I'm going to call her Nana for the blog, (it would be wonderful if she learned how to make the children's beds like her namesake on Peter Pan!) we're sure she'll do well with her training, she's already an integral part of the family.
After a bit of a rocky start, she and Lady became best friends. They whine when they're separated and they play beautifully together.
Peter's reaction to Nana came as a bit of a shock to us. It took him months to even acknowledge Lady when he moved in, it was like she wasn't even there and he hasn't ever spoken to her directly. He hasn't been interested in animals whatsoever - zoos and farm parks are the worst places ever in Peter's opinion, unless they have a good playground! Imagine our surprise when after less than an hour in the house we heard hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom where Peter was eating his pudding in the bath and found Nana with her paws up on the side of the tub being fed spoonfuls of yoghurt by a giggling Peter saying "one for Peter, one for Nana"! (Not something we would normally encourage but it was so lovely we turned a blind eye.) That night, and every night since, she fell asleep at the end of his bed during his bedtime story, much to his delight. The first thing he says every morning is a cheerful "Good morning Nana!" and he's keenly interested in watching Nana's routine and the commands she's learning. We're sure this is the start of a lifelong friendship.
I'm going to call her Nana for the blog, (it would be wonderful if she learned how to make the children's beds like her namesake on Peter Pan!) we're sure she'll do well with her training, she's already an integral part of the family.
After a bit of a rocky start, she and Lady became best friends. They whine when they're separated and they play beautifully together.
Peter's reaction to Nana came as a bit of a shock to us. It took him months to even acknowledge Lady when he moved in, it was like she wasn't even there and he hasn't ever spoken to her directly. He hasn't been interested in animals whatsoever - zoos and farm parks are the worst places ever in Peter's opinion, unless they have a good playground! Imagine our surprise when after less than an hour in the house we heard hysterical laughter coming from the bathroom where Peter was eating his pudding in the bath and found Nana with her paws up on the side of the tub being fed spoonfuls of yoghurt by a giggling Peter saying "one for Peter, one for Nana"! (Not something we would normally encourage but it was so lovely we turned a blind eye.) That night, and every night since, she fell asleep at the end of his bed during his bedtime story, much to his delight. The first thing he says every morning is a cheerful "Good morning Nana!" and he's keenly interested in watching Nana's routine and the commands she's learning. We're sure this is the start of a lifelong friendship.
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Powerless
I'd just like to highlight how powerless and overlooked we feel as foster carers sometimes.
Although we live with them 24 hours a day and know them best, we don't have any parental responsibility for our foster children, this is shared between their parents and their social worker. We have what's known as delegated authority, so can make day to day decisions like when they have a haircut (although not a change of style), what they have for dinner, taking them to the doctor or deciding whether they can go on a school trip. We cannot sign consent forms for medical procedures, complete a passport application, change the child's name, take them out of the country without written permission, cancel a contact session with parents (even if the child is unwell - we have been appalled at the reluctance of duty social workers to cancel the contact of vomiting or infectious children) or authorise a change of school.
Peter's school is completely wrong for him and is not meeting his needs. We've known this since before the Summer and have put the relevant wheels in motion, yet we do not have the authority to remove him, nor to look at other schools to find a suitable alternative. The more we get to know him and understand the sources of his anxieties, the more we think that home education would be a good option for him, yet foster children are not allowed to be home educated.
Unfortunately as foster carers, our opinions are often not seen as having the same weight as either parents or professionals, we seem to be in limbo land in the middle. In a meeting with Jack-Jack's social worker, the health visitor was referring questions about his development to the social worker rather than us although the meeting was taking place in our living room with both of us present! We have experienced Peter's school phoning his social worker behind our backs to check up on us, and also assuming that as carers we wouldn't care about him and his achievements in the same way as parents. When he received an award for gymnastics, all the other parents of children in his group were phoned to attend the award assembly; we were not.
We understand that social workers have a full workload and although our foster children are a priority to us, they are one of many to their social worker, and if they are safe and the placement is not at risk of breaking down there are other children and other issues that must jump to the top of the list.
Peter won't be continuing at his school long term, but a decision that would have been made the same day by parents has already taken over 4 months since we first raised concerns, and may not be concluded before the end of the academic year. These frustrating elements of fostering certainly aren't explained during the assessment process!
Although we live with them 24 hours a day and know them best, we don't have any parental responsibility for our foster children, this is shared between their parents and their social worker. We have what's known as delegated authority, so can make day to day decisions like when they have a haircut (although not a change of style), what they have for dinner, taking them to the doctor or deciding whether they can go on a school trip. We cannot sign consent forms for medical procedures, complete a passport application, change the child's name, take them out of the country without written permission, cancel a contact session with parents (even if the child is unwell - we have been appalled at the reluctance of duty social workers to cancel the contact of vomiting or infectious children) or authorise a change of school.
Peter's school is completely wrong for him and is not meeting his needs. We've known this since before the Summer and have put the relevant wheels in motion, yet we do not have the authority to remove him, nor to look at other schools to find a suitable alternative. The more we get to know him and understand the sources of his anxieties, the more we think that home education would be a good option for him, yet foster children are not allowed to be home educated.
Unfortunately as foster carers, our opinions are often not seen as having the same weight as either parents or professionals, we seem to be in limbo land in the middle. In a meeting with Jack-Jack's social worker, the health visitor was referring questions about his development to the social worker rather than us although the meeting was taking place in our living room with both of us present! We have experienced Peter's school phoning his social worker behind our backs to check up on us, and also assuming that as carers we wouldn't care about him and his achievements in the same way as parents. When he received an award for gymnastics, all the other parents of children in his group were phoned to attend the award assembly; we were not.
We understand that social workers have a full workload and although our foster children are a priority to us, they are one of many to their social worker, and if they are safe and the placement is not at risk of breaking down there are other children and other issues that must jump to the top of the list.
Peter won't be continuing at his school long term, but a decision that would have been made the same day by parents has already taken over 4 months since we first raised concerns, and may not be concluded before the end of the academic year. These frustrating elements of fostering certainly aren't explained during the assessment process!
Friday, 12 December 2014
Fostering - the ultimate in blended families
At this festive family-centred time of year we are even more aware of Peter and Belle's families than usual, as well as the families of previous foster children we've cared for.
Peter's parents and siblings are spending their second Christmas without him. We recently took Peter to an informal contact session where we met up with all of his siblings and the various relatives and carers they live with, plus a smattering of other family members and their partners and children, saw Father Christmas and swapped presents. His siblings have started to ask why they can't all live together, and we know that Peter will be in their minds on Christmas Day, as they will be in ours.
Belle's parents are not only spending their daughter's first Christmas without her, but they have recently found out that the decision has been made for Belle to be adopted. We've never met them but regularly send and receive notes when Belle goes to contact sessions, and of course speak about them often with Belle's social worker. As the months go by and we learn more about their own stories, we start feeling like we know them a little. I can't imagine how they must be feeling now.
I've been thinking about Belle's forever family too and wondering who they are and what they're doing. They don't know it yet, and won't do for several months, but they will be spending their last Christmas without Belle in their family! They haven't even seen a photograph of her, but their tree next year will be decorated with adorable little hand and footprint crafts, they'll be hanging up a stocking with Belle's name on and getting excited about watching her open her presents on Christmas morning.
We're not in touch with Jack-Jack or Andy's forever families but we do think about them regularly, chat about how old they are now and wonder what they look like. Whether or not Belle's parents decide to keep in touch, and whoever we have in our family by that point, we'll definitely be thinking about her next Christmas too and wishing her well.
We've come to realise that fostering families just keep getting bigger!
Peter's parents and siblings are spending their second Christmas without him. We recently took Peter to an informal contact session where we met up with all of his siblings and the various relatives and carers they live with, plus a smattering of other family members and their partners and children, saw Father Christmas and swapped presents. His siblings have started to ask why they can't all live together, and we know that Peter will be in their minds on Christmas Day, as they will be in ours.
Belle's parents are not only spending their daughter's first Christmas without her, but they have recently found out that the decision has been made for Belle to be adopted. We've never met them but regularly send and receive notes when Belle goes to contact sessions, and of course speak about them often with Belle's social worker. As the months go by and we learn more about their own stories, we start feeling like we know them a little. I can't imagine how they must be feeling now.
I've been thinking about Belle's forever family too and wondering who they are and what they're doing. They don't know it yet, and won't do for several months, but they will be spending their last Christmas without Belle in their family! They haven't even seen a photograph of her, but their tree next year will be decorated with adorable little hand and footprint crafts, they'll be hanging up a stocking with Belle's name on and getting excited about watching her open her presents on Christmas morning.
We're not in touch with Jack-Jack or Andy's forever families but we do think about them regularly, chat about how old they are now and wonder what they look like. Whether or not Belle's parents decide to keep in touch, and whoever we have in our family by that point, we'll definitely be thinking about her next Christmas too and wishing her well.
We've come to realise that fostering families just keep getting bigger!
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